Dearest,
I don't know how I'm ever gonna have sex.
I'm so scared of my own body, and just looking at it myself. How am I ever going to get undressed in front of someone else?
I want to do it, I really want to.
But to have sex, you have to be naked.
I wish I was attractive. I wish I was pretty.
I wish I at least had a good body.
I'm not thin enough to be skinny, but I'm not fat enough to be fat. I'm somewhere around chubby, but not quite. It feels subjective.
Some people call me fat, some people call me just think I'm average.
But I hate it. I know I'm fat.
Or maybe if I had a pretty face it would make up for it. But I don't have a pretty anything.
And that's not fair. There are people who can effortlessly be skinny and have good skin and a pretty face and good hair. I have none of that. I work towards all of it, but I don't have any of it.
And no matter how much work I put it, nothing ever happens. I try really hard. And it doesn't do shit.
So I have no idea what I'm going to do when the time comes for someone to put up with me enough to wanna fuck me.
I feel sorry for Alex sometimes, he deserves better.
But at the same time, I'd rather die than give him up. He's so handsome and he's mine. So tough.
I bring all this up, because it completely just struck me today like I'd just been hit by lightning. In that I felt like I was gonna collapse and maybe die. Hurt real bad.
We had gym (ew) so we were changing after.
Small tangent, but I hate gym so much. I hate it because I'm not athletic. I can just run really fast because I have a lot of adrenaline because of anxiety. That's what I think at least.
But we don't do track a lot. When we do, I'm good and it's fun. But when we don't it's hell. Because sports suck. So much.
I'm not sporty at all. Team games are worse because I let everyone down. But you know what's worse? Having to change. What ass.
Hate it.
Because I don't want people to stare. At what I did to my arms. My thighs. At least it's only my upper thighs.
But it's my entire arms.
I never stopped. I could never just be satisfied.
All down my arms.
Dearest, was the real issue cutting in the first place, or not cutting deep enough?
But anyway, we were changing, and I change really fast so no one notices the entirety of me. And I kinda hesitated because Alex was shirtless.
And I essentially was just checking him out. I cant even convey it Dearest, but damn he's fine as hell. Like goddamn. Just mmm. Yes. I am lucky for once in my life.
Until he looked at me.
And I stupidly blushed and looked away. Like an idiot does. I could have played it off smoothly but no, I react just like someone does when they've been caught checking someone out.
And I pretended that I hadn't just completely imagined him fucking the ever loving shit out of me because I saw him shirtless, and walked out of there as quickly as I could.
But I saw him after and of course he teased me about it.
"You were totally checking me out in the changing rooms." He grinned, nudging me with his bag.
"I was not." I pouted, planning on denying all claims.
"You totally were. You fully were staring at me, looking me up and down. You bit your lip."
"Lies." I protest, frowning.
"You blushed and looked away. You were checking me out."
"No, your pretty eyes distracted me."
"You can try flattery but you were totally a little bit hard." He crosses his arms.
"What?!" I spluttered. "No I was not! I know better than to get a boner in the fucking locker rooms. Plus why were you staring at my crotch?"
"It's hard not to." He smirks, leaning in dangerously close to my lips.
"Stop thinking about my dick." I whispered back.
"Why should I?" He pouted, brushing his lips against mine just long enough to count as a kiss.
But we had to end it there because of the dicks. They're utter dicks.
But I couldn't help thinking
his body's so perfect.
Flawless.
He has no stretch marks, no scars, no chub. Just the right amount of muscle. Skinny. Flawless. It's not fair.
Someone with a good body like him doesn't want someone like me.
Maybe he deserves better?
I feel guilty, like I'm hogging him even though I'm ugly. I don't even deserve him and I'm gatekeeping him.
But I want him all to myself.
And that need outweighs the doubt.
So tough cookies.
Your one and only
John
the fact that i could make this so easily make this into a show i have such good ideas
fr give me a little money, some people to be the cast and help with technical shit and a space to film i could make this into a show so easily i'm not kidding
