Dearest of Stupidest of Diaries,
Jesus fucking christ.
Life's stupid. Everything sucks. I've basically run out of energy. To live.
All day I felt like I was going to fall asleep on my feet.
I was so close to crying. But I just didn't have the energy.
I made myself go back to school. I couldn't miss too much. It would be suspicious.
God was that mistake.
Fuck life. Fuck everything. Me especially.
Please.
The dicks were such dicks. Such fucking dicks. And I didn't even have the energy to deal with them.
Thomas was back. Which sucks. So much.
And they wouldn't leave me alone. All day. And I ignored them. I put up with it. I didn't fight back. I couldn't get the energy. I felt dead. So dead.
They laughed at me, and I just did nothing. They teased me, they made fun of me and I just couldn't give enough fucks. They pushed me. Lots.
And every time I fell over, I just picked myself back up and kept waking. And it just made them laugh harder.
By the end of the day I was so fucking done.
I went into the bathrooms. It was empty when I went in I swear.
I dropped my bag. My hands were shaking. I gripped onto the edge of the sink, and my knuckles turned white.
I tried to take deep breaths, but name one instance where that actually works.
I ran the tap, and held my hand under it, and splashed my face with water. That helped a bit.
I dried my face with my sleeve, staring at my reflection with the mirror. I look so fucking over life.
Then Alex came out of the cubicle. FUCKING HELL WHY IS HE EVERYWHERE?
Plus, the school doesn't put urinals in the toilets because they hate us or something??? Which sucks because I can't check for the boy that's ruining my life before I walk into a bathroom.
He came and washed his hands next to me. I awkwardly pretended neither of us was there.
Then he spoke to me. What a prick.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
I smiled at him the best I could, "Yeah I'm fine."
"Where were you yesterday?"
"Oh I was just ill, don't worry." Because you're out here fucking with my life.
He took a breath. "Are you avoiding me?"
He caught me off guard. "What?"
"I mean, I can understand if you are-"
"We just don't have like any classes together, we don't see each other much." I say. It's a lie. I have been avoiding him. As much as I could. If I saw him I turned the other way. I tried to run into him as little as possible.
"John, I feel like we need to talk."
"About what?" I grabbed my bag, I wanted to leave. "Everything's fine, stop making a big deal out of nothing."
I left the room, just wanting to go home, but he followed me out, and grabbed my arm.
"John wait!"
I exploded, and finally snapped. "Oh my god what? Fucking what? There's literally nothing there, we've already spoken about it, I don't fucking understand what more you want. It's not even like we're that close!"
It was spiteful dearest. I was spiteful.
He stared at me, and let go of my arm. "Yeah, yeah you're right, I'm sorry."
There was a few moments of silence as we stared at each other.
"We're both just lying to ourselves aren't we?" He whispered.
"Yeah."
He gave me a soft smile. It meant leave, it's ok. It's fine.
So I left.
I am so tired.
Of all of it. Of emotions.
Sleep tight,
Jack
