Dearest,
I'm so sorry I avoided you. It's not your fault, really.
It's partly mine. Mostly Thomases.
A little mine.
Maybe if you didn't look like a diary that would have helped.
My bad. Victim blaming.
Wait.
You're a fucking book.
I'M GOING INSANE DEAREST.
Genuinely insane.
And these homicidal thoughts won't get out of my head.
Every time I rest my brain thinks about killing Thomas.
I hate it.
I don't want to kill Thomas.
That would make me as bad as him.
I'm not that bad right? I might be insane but I'm sane. I fucking want to be sane. I'm sick of this crazy business. I'm a normal person.
I'm sick of being crazy.
I'm sane dearest.
I'm in control.
God help me I am fucking in control of my body.
I can make my own actions.
I can do what I want.
I am in control.
I hope I'm in control.
I don't know what's going on with me dearest.
Why am I like this?
Why cant my brain just function like a normal persons?
There's something so wrong with me. And I'm scared.
Somethings going to go wrong. I'm going to fuck up big time.
I wish I knew what was happening to me. I wish I knew what was going on in the chemicals in my mind.
But I don't.
I really don't.
And it just means I'm going to mess up.
Something bad will happen because of me, it always does.
Sometimes I hear the light buzzing in the walls and I think the bulb will explode and I wait patiently for the day it does.
The second I wish a bad thing into reality I may as well have transformed into god himself.
The future of reality is in my hands, and they're shaking. I will things into existence just by fearing their very nature.
The world only exists to spite me.
Every flaw it's ever had has been set ready to spring and trap me personally, and drag me down into the depths of hell below.
And every single circumstance is set like a whirlwind not letting me see the outside till I am set at the bottom with bloody hands and the fingers all pointed at me.
The smoke clears and the gun was in my hands all along, and I have committed many sins in the haze.
I'm set to fail dearest.
The world has set me up.
Something bad will happen, I can feel it.
And it will be no one's fault but my own. I'll finally snap.
And the world will stop.
There's no doubting it any longer.
I'm going insane.
Your crazy friend, in sanity and out of it,
Jack
