the entirety of this book so far has been written on mobile
Dearest,
Thomas is such a dick. Literally such a dick. I cannot understand how James puts up with him enough to sleep with him.
Maybe he is just a dick.
We both got a detention for fighting today.
The stupidest thing is, I can't even remember what we were fighting about. He probably said some dumb shit that provoked me then I saw red and punched him in the face.
But we were really fighting.
And let me tell you, I was not winning.
In a weird way, it felt satisfying. I hadn't exploded in a while, and even though I have my meds it's still anger inside me it's just not coming out. So it felt good to finally let it out, and to let it out on a shit head like Thomas.
We were both dragged to the principals office, and I glared so hard my eyes hurt me physically. I was pissed off and I definitely have some lasting wounds.
Before my detention, which was at the end of the day, I saw Alex. I suppose I looked pretty beat up, I mean I wasn't bleeding anymore but still, and the only thing he said was "Jesus John."
Not the biggest boost of confidence.
"Yeah well you should have seen the other guy." I said sarcastically.
"I did." He deadpans. "You look worse."
"Oh yeah thanks babe." I rolled my eyes at him.
"You're welcome." He grinned and he kissed me. But it hurt because of my split lip.
So I said "Ow."
And he whispered "Sorry." against my lip in the sexiest voice you've never heard.
And he kissed around the cut on my lip oh god dearest end me it was just like our first kiss.
That right there was like my moment.
I felt like I was being transcended to the heavens like Jesus.
That was like the peek of my life.
That's the exact point where the credits would be fucking rolled, I didn't need to live past that, it was just wonderful.
Amazing.
I love Alex.
But I was also super pissed because of later and the detention. So that little high didn't last long.
In fact I was really fucking mad. I could not be bothered with a detention today, and I was pissed as hell. I slept for like 3 hours and I wanted to just get fucking home.
So I kicked the fucking door open when I walked into the room.
I have no idea how I can do these things when Im angry.
It feels like the anger and the anxiety are duking it out in the fucking ring and anger wins.
Then anxiety body slams it and I go sit in the corner of my room traumatised and rocking back and forth thinking about what I had just done.
Thomas made some kind of stupid remark at my obvious anger that I cant even recall right now and I just turned around and told him to fuck off.
Which of course the teacher didn't approve of so I got an extra 5 minutes.
Plus I was forced to sit right in front of him.
He kept on kicking my chair and I put up with it for 5 minutes before I turned around and said "Get your fucking foot off of my chair before I ram my chair into your fucking skull." He didn't say anything.
But I got an extra half an hour.
So that sucks.
I ignored him mostly and slept the entire time. I was trying very hard not to explode, again, and just beat the shit out of him until he basically can't breathe.
God don't you just live violent thoughts?
Same.
Anyway.
He was totally a bitch about leaving before me and really rubbed it in my face. I wish I was younger so punching him around the face doesn't count as aggravated assault and I could just go sit on the time out step or something as my punishment.
Why do I have to be old?
Nothing good comes out of being old.
Just sadness.
Next year I'm turning 18. I'm gonna be a legal adult. I want to die please god I don't want to be an adult.
But the teacher (I don't know why) let me out 15 minutes early just because. I was grateful, because I'm tired as shit.
The bags under my eyes are so big they can carry my emotion baggage. And trust me there's a lot of it.
I want to go nap now. I'm fucking exhausted.
Night night,
Jack
