I haven't spent any time writing in Dearest. In the sickest way it feels like they betrayed me, but its not their fault. They're just a book. And insanely enough my best friend.
That makes me insane right? I know I am.
After all this time how could I not be?
The crushing realisation that it's all my fault.
You'd try to convince me its not my fault right?
That I've done nothing wrong.
You liar. I've done everything wrong.
My clock slowly ticks into midnight. No sleep. I blow a stray curl away from my forehead, only for it to land in the exact same place.
I can't stop thinking abut what happened today. My mind wont let me sleep, it just keeps going over and over what happened. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Something obviously. Something crippling. It's weighing me down.
I've got short hair and homicidal thoughts now. Nothings the same as it was a few months ago.
A small tap jerks me up right.
There it is again, like something hitting my window.
I immediately fling back to my curtains to see Alex outside my bedroom window, and he sheepishly waves up at me.
I practically run down the stairs and fling open my front door, running to him.
He holds me in his arms without any words, and I bury my face into the crook of his neck. It feel so right to be in his arms.
I cant stop the tears from slowly falling from my eyes, my shoulders shaking as I silently sob in his arms.
He holds me tighter, almost squeezing me to the point I can't breathe. I press my fingers into his skin.
His fingers reach up to tangle in my hair, and I can feel him reach around my neck for where it used to be, and it just makes me cry more.
His fingers still entangle themselves in my hair, pressing me closer to him.
Everything in my life has gone wrong, except him. He's the one right thing.
He'll always be my right thing.
"Am I a freak?" I whisper into his neck, barely able to contain my sobs.
""No, no, oh god no." He whispers softly, his voice sounding hoarse and scrapey. "You're human too."
All I can do if just cry and hold him. I don't have the effort to do anything else. Just cry in his arms.
"Jack?" I spring away from Alex and around to face my dad. Considering the fact he used to be homophobic he's watching me and my boyfriend he's never seen before hug with a surprisingly neutral face.
"Oh I um, hi dad." I mumble, starting daggers at my feet.
"So, is this your boyfriend then?"
"Yeah."
"Well you can introduce me tomorrow, I can sense you guys are having a moment so I'll just fuck off now." He said, turning and leaving back into the house.
"Oh my god dad." I groan, hiding my face with my hands.
"You know he's come a long way. A couple of months ago he'd probably have thrown a chair at me." Alex mumbles, hugging me from behind.
"You're right I guess."
"Always."
"Why do you always have to be right?"
"I don't. With you I just am." He kisses my neck softly, and I press my lips together.
"It's cold." I whisper. "Let's go inside."
"Have I ever been in your room before?"
"Can't remember."
"Not important." He agrees. "Let's go."
I tugged him into the house and up the stairs, into my room.
The second the door was shut behind me he pressed his lips against mine, pinning me back, kissing me passionately.
I wrap my arms around him, pulling him closer to me.
"I love you." He whispers in between kisses, kissing me before I have time to say it back.
He gets more impatient though, stumbling to push me back onto my bed, his fingers fumbling with my shirt.
"Wait wait wait." I gasp.
He stops, sitting up. "What?"
"I mean my dads awake."
"So? I'm sure he wouldn't want to walk in on his son having gay sex."
"Not my point. No fucking."
"Really?" He smirks, grabbing my bulge.
"That's unimportant."
"Seems super unimportant." He kisses me softly. "But leaving you like that seems mean."
"Well, leaving you like that seems mean." I gesture to his obvious bulge in his own pants.
"So we should fix both our problems." He grins, kissing me before I could ask what the fuck he means.
Our kissing not so subtly edges into making out, my tongue in his mouth, his in mine. I had missed this. It didn't feel like we'd done anything in ages.
"A-Alex..." I whisper, as his fingers start fiddling with mine and his pants, unbuttoning them as fast as he could.
He shushed me softly, kissing my neck. I can feel the impatience in every single part of him, and it's starting to gain effect on me.
My fingers tangle in his hair as he kisses my neck, and his fingers finally make contact with my dick. I cant help but moan with relief.
"This is probably a bad idea." I giggle-whisper.
"Yeah but we're horny teenagers, so who cares?" He grins back, kissing me.
When I feel his dick touching mine my brain gets sent back to that first nervous we ever did anything horny, and the grin spreads on my face.
"Brings back memories." Alex muses.
"Yeah." I laugh. "I was so nervous."
"You still nervous?"
"Significantly less so." I grin.
And then what ensued was a great night, followed my Alex sleeping over and meeting my family, which is definitely less great.
But it was bound to happen.
And in a way I'm glad it did.
