Dearest,
Ew.
Ugh.
Ew ew ewwww.
Life
sucks
ass.
Everything just doesn't seem to be enough. I try my best but my best just isn't working anymore.
Plus I get all this shit thrown at me and it's like 'Fucking why god????'
For starters, I had a sort of nightmare of the time I found my mom. It was more like a memory. I had forgotten it mostly, but it was clearer than ever.
I was looking for her, it was early in the day and I couldn't find her, she wasn't asleep in her room with dad, she wasn't in my siblings rooms, and I was slowly checking each room, until the only place left was the basement.
So I opened the door.
And I went inside a few steps, standing at the top of the stairs.
And I saw a shadow. A figure. Not touching the floor.
My heart stopped. At that time I was so scared about what it might be, something supernatural first came to mind.
So I turned the light on. And I saw her.
My entire mind blanked. I couldn't thinks anything. I was so scared. I was 14.
I walked towards her, hanging from the ceiling, a chair turned over on the floor. Her eyes were shut, she wasn't moving at all.
I couldn't breathe.
I thought it might be a trick. I thought something would jump out at me and she would smile and laugh and it would be alright. She didn't move.
My entire brain was numb. My hands were shaking, and I hated it, I hated the sight so much but I couldn't look away.
I touched her. I nudged her slightly, to see if she way alive. She was stone cold.
I screamed.
It wasn't a scared scream.
It was a heart broken scream.
I screamed and fell to my knees and I cried. I sobbed so hard. I couldn't do anything else. I didn't want to do anything else. I was terrified.
I remember James came to the door (I had luckily shut it behind me). He was so small, a kid. He asked if I was ok. He was going to come in.
And I screamed at him. I screamed at him not to come in, I just did over and over, tears streaming down my cheeks. I hardly remember it, but I heard myself so clearly in the dream.
And I sounded so scary. I sounded terrifying. I had never sounded like that before, and I hadn't again. I screamed, I begged him not to come in. It wasn't an angry scream, I was scared. The only thing I thought right there is that I had to protect him. I couldn't let him see this. Not him too.
I had to save him.
It was a protective scream. A desperate scream. A scream that if he came in, he would get hurt. And I had to do everything to stop that. It hurt my ears, it hurt my throat. But I had to save him.
My dad pushed his way in. The first thing he did was stare. Then he cried. He fell down and he cried.
And we just cried.
I had never seen him cry before.
I hated it.
I try not to think about all of it. But I can't help it. It snuck up on me.
