happy one year anniversary to dear fucking diary!!!! a year ago today i sat down and wrote the iconic first chapter, cant believe it took me over a year to write
Dearest,
Her excuse was that Thomas raping James wasn't on school grounds so it wasn't something for him to be suspended for. We were just suspended for fighting.
Oh god how I cried.
If society can't even punish someone who violates someone like that, how are we meant to continue?
How is humanity supposed to exist when we let monsters walk among men?
They're never going to stop him.
He's going to become important and rich and be able to do whatever he wants.
He'll be big and famous and everyone will forget about this, he won't be a bully and a rapist. He'll get to do whatever he wants.
Life isn't fair dearest it's truly not fair.
People like him get to continue doing what they do and no one cares.
I don't even think he cares himself. I wonder if he thinks about it at all. I wonder if he ever stays up and stressed over what he did like I do.
Or does he get a sound sleep.
I hate him.
I hate him so much I can't breathe. He consumes my mind.
It's fucking insane.
The way he just keeps getting away with shit. How does this keep happening?
How is he just still living and me and my friends unavenged?
Life's fucking insane dearest.
I'm so glad you don't have to experience it.
I hate it.
I hate life.
I want to just graduate and leave.
I'm never going to pass school dearest. I'm going to fail I bet. I hate this.
It seems I hate everything these days.
I hate the people I go to school with.
I hate the shit that plays on the radio.
I hate capitalism.
I hate going outside.
I hate rich white men hoarding all the money in the world and not giving a shit.
I hate my dad.
I hate my mom.
I hate being a stupid forgetting name in thousands.
But most of all,
I hate myself.
Oh god how I hate myself. It feels like somehow this is my fault. It's all my fault you know. It's just my fault.
It has to be.
This just has to be my fault.
It seems that Alex is my only outlet into the world. He makes me feel better. Because I know he loves me.
I was over at his house because he's my boyfriend, and we were just together.
"I love you, you know." He carefully tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.
"I know. I love you too." I smiled softly.
"You're my everything. My absolute everything. I don't know what Id do without you."
"You rely on me too much. I don't understand how you like me."
"I don't like you, I love you." He cups my cheek and kisses me gently.
I pull him closer towards me, grinning like I'm stupid.
"I love you so much John," He whispers, hugging me tight and burying his head into my neck. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you." He murmured, over and over again.
"I love you so much more." I help him so tight, I never wanted to let go. "All the I love you's in the world can't describe how much I love you."
He kissed me more deeply this time, holding me close.
And it got slightly heated and we had sex again. A lot less groundbreaking because it wasn't my first time and I've already done it before. But I loved it.
Doesn't mean I didn't any less.
We only went once though. Not as rough as last time.
I liked it almost as much.
But I don't think I'll ever feel in love as my first time.
Those are all my thoughts for now dearest.
Good night my love,
John
