Non Verbal

71

This is short! Sorry:)

71

Rowan's POV

"So how is school?" Mum asks sensing my hesitation to get out of the car. My car keys have been removed from my possession again, so I am being driven to and from school. I am not allowed to go for walks on my own anymore, let alone drive.

Nothing had happened.

My brain has been pretty settled actually since school started again.

I thought it was going to be terrible. Coming back here. But actually, I feel more invisible than I did before.

I think Lottie must have threatened everyone or something. Because everyone is avoiding my eye, looking away when I walk into a room. No whispering is even occurring.

I have gone back to being on my own and it's not been too bad this week.

After pulling myself away from Lottie on Saturday night there has been no contact between us. I tried to ring her the next morning. To see if she was ok. 

I think she has blocked me. 

I don't think I have ever been blocked before.

So although the thoughts haven't been as bad, I made the mistake of telling Gem, the newer therapist, about how I didn't really care about anything at the moment. How it had been so dark and now it's sort of just nothing.

She apparently felt like this meant my risk was high.

So dad is still at home, mum hasn't talked to Alex in about a week, my sister has hardly seen me, us.

I am mostly free of bad thoughts.

'Baby?' My mother signed now, her eyebrows furrowing.

I place a carefully etched smile on my lips and I lift my hands to sign. 'School is actually ok.'

"You would tell me if it wasn't? Right?"

I nodded immediately.

The only reason why it wasn't ok was that Lottie too was pretending I didn't exist. Which I cannot blame her for and did not want to change. But yeah, that's the only part that has been truly difficult.

"I have to get to the shop." She says softly. "You seem down this morning, would you like to come with me? I'll contact Mrs Richardson and-"

I shake my head. "I am ok. I promise. Tired."

"Okay." She says, sighing gently, discretely, in relief after hearing my voice.

I grab my bag and get out of the car, admittedly feeling foggy as I observe the usual school crowds. Walk-in. Corridor. Mrs Richardson. Check-in. Then first period. Then second.

I set my feet out walking.

Stop running the routine over in your head. I stopped this. I do not need to do this anymore. I didn't do it this morning to get ready.

But it's hard not to think about the day. Because after we have second period, we have a break. Then third. Then fourth. Then lunch. Then fifth. Then I agreed to help after school to prep for the show.

I don't know if I am still supposed to be helping with the show. I don't know if that's overstepping some invisible boundary that we have drawn.

But she saw me there earlier this week and she didn't kick-off. Lottie is never quiet with her discomfort. If she had wanted me to leave, if she cared, she would have told me to go.

Instead, she didn't look at me.

Honestly, I am unsure whether she noticed I was there.

Walk.