Non Verbal

84

This is short:) soz

Rowan's POV.

I knew why I offered to take the shift at the shop today. I knew I came here and helped mum mainly because there was a chance Lottie would come in for her plants.

We haven't spoken. Since the early hours last night. We didn't hug goodbye. She literally just squeezed my hand and got out of the car. I think it was so we didn't have to say goodbye, or it might have been because she knew it probably wasn't a goodbye.

I have made such a mess of this and I hate it because although part of me understands that I shouldn't be with her right now, a larger part of me knows that I want to be. I want to just go back to normal. I want to go back to us.

I also know that I do not have any right to ask for that. Not when she is leaving and not when I promised her that we wouldn't be messy if we ever broke up.

Which is all that we have been since I broke up with her.

No, I correct myself. All I have been.

But I do want that. I do want her back. Which is a stressful thought because part of me knows that if I asked, we'd probably be ok. If I proved to her that I wanted her and that I made a mistake breaking up with her, she'd probably let me back in.

But again, I don't think I want that for her.

I don't want me for her, does that make sense? I want her. I want her touch and her heart and I want to be able to hold her. But I don't want her to have to love me.

Not when I have seen the stress of loving me so clearly etched on her features.

So when the text comes through my phone, the one where Lottie texts me and says something charming and utterly nonchalant about if she can pick up her plants, I am not surprised that she's breaking the no-contact rule. Not surprised because I've had to literally put my phone away from me eight times today to not text her.

But I do not reply.

Which is definitely asshole behaviour. Like the rest of my behaviour. But I don't reply because I know that if she comes here and we're the only ones here there is no way I can keep it back.

Last night I fucking cried because she was telling me how much she loves me, how much she understands me, how much she tried... I know that as soon as she comes into my presence all the walls and all the rationalising of why we can't just seem to fall away from me.

I forget why we can't. Why I shouldn't. Can you blame me?

I am new to feeling so deeply about someone.

So when she walks into the shop an hour after I read her text and ignored it, I wince. I mainly wince because of the hurt on her face when she sees I am here.

I guess she was expecting my mum.

"Where is Monica?" She says, her tone sharp.

I shrug. "At home. Or getting shopping. Or out with my dad for coffee."

Her eyes spark with curiosity but then she shakes it away and they go hard. I watch as her coldness grows and mine softens. As it always does in her presence.

"Hello Lottie." I say easily. "I assume you are here for your-"

"Why didn't you reply?" She snaps, utterly interrupting me.

"I was busy."

She mockingly looks around. "So many customers."

"We agreed no contact." I say simply.