Non Verbal

72

HI LOVES! THIS IS A LOWKEY FILLER SORRY LOL:) 

i am excited about next chapter. 

Happy reading. 

72

Rowan's POV.

The first night of Lottie's play I didn't attend.

I wanted to.

Drastically.

Instead, I went for a walk. On my own.

And I was being drawn to a darker place.

It was stupid and reckless even going there, I knew this. I wasn't sure what I was thinking. But I was tired.

I was tired of having to swim in waters that nobody else would even try to survive.

And then I remembered my dad at home waiting for me, swimming in his own waters and enjoying the ocean breeze and I decided I needed to leave the place I was at before it became the place I forever stayed.

So the next night, when mum was still at work and dad was just in the house trying to make sure I was ok. I was allowed out for my trusted walk, and I went to the school, and I watched Lottie perform.

Because I felt unsafe and at least knowing she was ok, helped.

And fuck, was she more than ok.

She was magic.

Everyone knew it.

There were parts that she wasn't in, and you could just tell by the change in the room that she had disappeared from the stage. I could tell by closing my eyes and feeling the way the audience stilled when she was on the stage, her presence only, captivating everyone.

So between five and half six every evening this week was my only solace from the constant tormenting thoughts.

It was the only time I was sure she was ok, it was the only time where the life or death thoughts would stop for a little bit and I could just listen to her voice, I could listen to the way the audience laughed with her, gasped for her, cried because of her.

I felt the presence of her light and it wrapped me up safely and for those moments I did not have to worry about the number four.

It got bad after, always. But by that time everyday mum would be leaving work and she'd come and pick me up from 'working late' at school.

But God, do you even know how it feels to watch someone on stage and just know that you did not have enough time with them? To know that they would be the most beautiful thing you'd ever feel? I knew by watching her, just by thinking back to the evenings we spent with Sutton, and on our own, that she was the most exhilarating person I would ever meet.

And I guess I knew from the beginning that we didn't really make sense, that although I was captivated by her, it was just a matter of time until she would turn away, until she would find someone better to love.

I felt that to my core. That she would be the one to stop loving me first. And I mean I was not wrong about that necessarily.

I am the one who is here loving her still whilst she never ever meets my gaze.

But it was I that messed this up. It was I that spiralled. It was I that could not handle the stupid words of ignorant people. She was ok. She would have made it all better. If I had just let her.

Instead, it's Friday night of the second week of her show and I am sat in the row of seat at the back. I am hiding at the back of her show because I stupidly asked her permission to come and she rightfully said no.