With Him | Bucky x Reader | Enemies with Benefits

-25-

CONTENT WARNING: DESCRIPTION OF PANIC ATTACK AND MENTIONS OF DEATH

Bucky's POV:

Arriving at the apartment door, I juggled the shopping around to free my hand so I could unlock the door. I wanted to get in so I could carry on watching the fireworks like I had been on my walk back from the grocery store.

It was strangely quiet as I walked in and placed the bag on the only free counter in the small Kitchen. Where was Y/n?

I walked into the living room, but still no sign of Y/n. Not that I cared of course.

But it was then that I heard a quiet noise coming from the bedroom. Okay, maybe I cared a little bit because when I saw Y/n with her head on her knees, her hands on her ears, and her body rocking back and forth on the dusty carpeted floor in the corner of the room, I rushed to her side.

"Umm, Y/n?" 

Shit.

Steve always knew what to do. He had helped us both through this kind of thing before, but here I was without a fucking clue.

Her breathing was harsh and irregular and I could hear her crying quietly.

Shit.

What would Steve do? What would Steve do?

"Y/n...are you ok?" Stupid question. Stupid, stupid question. Obviously not dipshit.

"It's all gonna be alright, It's all gonna be fine." This wasn't working.

I wanted to place my hand on her shoulder, I wanted to help but I didn't know what to do, we were barely even friends if that.

A loud, pain-filled sob broke through the weeping.

Fuck it.

I wrapped her in my arms and immediately felt her grab onto me for comfort.

"Shhhh, it's alright." I whispered in her ear, her face pressed tightly into my chest, "I've got you, I've got you."

She started to calm down, although she was still crying and she flinched every time she heard a firework go off. This must be really bothering her, she didn't even flinch in combat.

I put my hands over hers, covering her ears as she leaned against me. I could feel her tears soaking my shirt but that didn't matter, not right now.

"It's okay Y/n, I'm here and I've got you." I whispered, closing my eyes and resting my head on hers, and stroking her back.

"I've got you. Nothing's gonna happen. Nobody's gonna get hurt, I'm not gonna let you get hurt. It's okay." Another loud sob broke my ears, but I reckoned that what I was doing was working. Her previously tense and shaking body was relaxing into my hold and her rapid breathing had slowed to a somewhat-normal speed. 

I pressed a light kiss against her head.

Wait what? What was that?

That was definitely not what Steve would have done, shit.

Get over yourself and help her, you can deal with your own fucked up emotions in a minute.

Her tears slowly slowed, and once I was confident that she would be alright for a minute, I lifted her into the bed, closed the window to muffle the sound of the fireworks, and grabbed a cup of water before passing it to her and joining her on the mattress.

"Are you alright?" I asked, even though it felt like the wrong thing to say.

She just nodded, I wasn't buying it.

"Are you sure?" I said slowly.

"I- It's-" She stuttered a little before taking a deep breath and answering, "It's fine. Really. You don't want to hear it."

"Tell me." I whispered.

Y/n shook her head.

"Tell me." I encouraged.

"It's not a big thing, you don't want to hear it."

"Then why did I ask?" It had seemed like it was a pretty big thing to me.

She took another deep breath and I put my hand on her knee, drawing little circles with my thumb.

"It was my last HERCULES mission. It had to be, I ran away after that." 

I didn't say anything to interrupt her, only nodding, hoping that she would continue.

"My brother and I were both 'enrolled' in the program when I was eight and he was thirteen, it was just after our parents died." She looked to me for reassurance, I smiled sincerely.

"We spent every day studying. We had to become fluent in a new language every year, we were taught martial arts and combat, espionage basically a ton of shit to turn us into mini secret agents."

She wasn't looking at me anymore, her eyes were glassed over and it looked like she was just staring at a spot on the comforter.

"If you messed up, then you got beaten up. It was as simple as that. So we always did exactly as we were told. Once I was about nineteen, we 'graduated' the program and started getting sent on proper missions, not just helping out with one or two a year, I mean full-time. My brother and I were particularly popular because of, you know, the telepathy. We had a new mission every two days and if we failed to complete them sufficiently then we got punished."

I recognized her distant tone of voice, it was the same one I used whenever people asked me about my time at HYDRA, as if it happened to somebody else, somebody that I didn't know and not to me.

"It was exactly four years ago today, I was twenty. Our mission was on a boat at some docks, and...Shit." She started to cry again, not weeping like before, just a silent tear rolling down her cheek.

I took her hand in mine.

"It was all my fault."

I shook my head. Whatever happened, it couldn't be her fault.

"I was stupid and I got shot in the knee."

Not stupid.

"I was in pain, and disorientated. I thought every firework going off was a gunshot." She quickly snapped her head toward me. "I'm better now, I know the difference!" She looked at me like she was begging for my forgiveness.

I knew this feeling too. She didn't need to be blaming herself for this, it broke my heart. I pulled her in closer and let her head rest on my chest as she carried on talking.

"My brother- he was the last person I had left-" 

I stroked her hair to comfort her. It was something I had never done before but it seemed to be working.

"I couldn't walk and he was trying to help me when he got shot. I didn't realise and I thought the noise was a firework. I yelled at him. I told him to move faster but he was dead and I didn't realise. The last thing he heard was me shouting at him."

Y/n's tears were falling onto my chest for the second time today. I was holding her in my arms for the second time today. For the second time ever.

"I hear the silence every single night. Everybody I love is gone. I have nightmares about his death every night. It should have been me that died."

"No." I broke my silence, speaking for the first time in ten minutes. "I know what you're thinking, I've thought it before. He didn't deserve to die, but neither do you. It's not selfish of you to be alive, and although you might feel alone now, you will find somebody to love again. You're a strong and amazing person and one day, you'll find somebody who loves you just as much as you deserve."

I felt her move on my chest. "Thank you James, I hope you're right."

I stroked her hair again and waited until she had fallen asleep before I pressed another kiss to her head.

What was wrong with me? I hated this girl. I wanted to kill her half the time and the other half I had to try my hardest to stop a full blown war from erupting between us.

Right?

(1273 Words)