With Him | Bucky x Reader | Enemies with Benefits

-35-

Y/n's POV:

I woke up from another nightmare and rolled over in my bed, burying my face into my pillow as my tears wet the fabric, and shoving it into my mouth to try and dampen the sounds of my cries and screams.

Every time. Every single night, my heart broke, my head felt empty, and I felt like I was drowning in my grief for him.

When we were younger, he used to constantly play jingles in my head, but now there was nothing. He used to send me his random thoughts in the middle of the night, but now there was nothing. He used to silently read me bedtime stories, but now there was nothing.

Adrian was not just my brother, he was my best friend, my protector, and the only person who was always there for me.

Until he wasn't.

Until I killed him.

A fresh set of tears reached my eyes. A fresh load of pain stabbed my heart. 

He was gone.

I sat up on the edge of my bed and breathed in deeply, in through my nose and out through my mouth, looking down and clasping my shaking hands.

He was gone.

It had been four years. 

Four years of reminding myself every night. Almost every night. It was happening less and less often now and to be honest, I didn't know if I was okay with that.

Of course, I hated the nightmares and I wanted to be able to move on, but I worried that it meant I was forgetting him, and I didn't want to forget him.

I stood up and stretched, I knew Tony had bought some of my favourite ice cream and right now, I needed some.

I wiped my eyes, pulled on a hoodie and some sweatpants over my pyjamas and headed to the kitchen.

I turned on the under-cabinet lights and started to move around the kitchen, starting to get together the bowl, spoon, and ice cream scoop when I heard a familiar low voice behind me.

"What are you doing up?"

I turned around to see James in the red Henley that I had returned to him the previous morning.

"I could ask you the same thing." I replied, opening one of the drawers as he walked over to me.

"Fair enough." He replied.

I turned to face him, which was probably a mistake since he reached his hand up to my cheek and used his thumb to wipe away the last tear before pulling me into a hug.

And as much as I hate to say it, damn it felt good just to be held by somebody.

"Wanna go get milkshakes?" he asked, his hand rubbing my back.

"What?" I asked, not pulling away from his embrace.

"Milkshakes. Do you want to come get some?" He repeated.

"Um, sure." I answered, surprised by the idea.

"Great." He mumbled, kissing me on the forehead and breaking the hug so that we could leave.

I am so unbelievably confused with this shit.

I didn't ask where we were going, I just followed him to the garage where we took one of Tony's more reasonable cars.

The same one we had used to drive to the docks before the cruise.

I let James take the driver's seat and sat down where he rested his hand on my thigh and started driving.