With Him | Bucky x Reader | Enemies with Benefits

-46-

Y/n's POV:

I woke up with my back pressed firmly against Bucky's chest, one of his legs between mine and his arm around my waist, resting on my stomach. To my surprise, the position didn't feel unnatural or uncomfortable, it made me feel safe and protected to be so close to him. 

I smiled as I noted my lack of nightmares as I had slept next to him, now I was just going to have to persuade him to let me stay another night. I knew it was unlikely.

As I tried to pull away, I felt his arm hold me back.

"I'm going out with Wanda, Nat, and Maria. I need to go before they get to my room and find it empty." I explained.

Bucky grumbled before releasing me from the bedsheets and asking me a question, "Are you gonna be okay?"

I smiled and nodded, "I think I can handle it..." I paused before continuing, "Thank you, for helping and letting me stay. It really helped but don't think that gets you off my radar, I'm still mad about what you said."

It was true. I was still angry, I had barely been lucid for the week I was taken and hadn't had time to get over what he said. I don't know if I even wanted to get over it.

"You had a choice over what you did and you still killed people."
"Those were your mistakes."
"I don't see anyone I love dying because I DIDN'T KILL MY BROTHER!"

His words still echoed through my mind, making me shiver as I stood in front of the door. I should leave.

"Are you cold?" He asked, climbing out of his bed and walking over to his closet to grab me a hoodie before holding it out to me.

"I'm fine." I replied coldly. I didn't need his hoodies.

"What can I do? How can I apologize?" He asked, his shoulders dropping and his gaze softening as he refused to look away from me. 

I couldn't look him in the eye, I kept my gaze focused on a spot above his right shoulder.

He took a step towards me and I stepped backward, getting closer to the door.

"Y/n/n," he whispered, "Please, I didn't mean what I said, I'll do whatever you want."

Usually, I would revel in the opportunities presented by his offer, I would make him do my laundry for a month or have him carry me everywhere, anything to spite him, but at that moment my mind was focused on other things.

"You chose to kill people..."

I stayed silent, turning around and walking out of his room and toward my own.

I've really fucked myself over here.

Every step felt heavy with contemplation, I was so hurt by Bucky's words that I almost felt it in my chest, but the only person I wanted to talk about that hurt with was Bucky himself. I wanted to be mad at him forever but I wanted to forgive him and run into his arms, I needed to know he wouldn't do it again.

What he had said had been more painful than all the years of torture I had endured up to this point. It had taken me so long to start to trust him and he knew how I felt about my brother's death, he knew I blamed myself and hit took that fear, trampled over it, and threw it back in my face. 

It only made it worse that I didn't know how I felt about him. If I hated him then the decision would be easy, I would be finding a lawyer to get me off a murder charge. Fuck, even loving him would make the decision easier, I would smack his ass and fuck him until I was sure he was sorry before I let it pass, but where we stood now left me in a sticky situation.

I don't love him.
I don't hate him.
I don't even know if I like him.

All I did know was that every step away from his room felt wrong. It felt like a little pull at my heart and I hated that. I hated that I didn't know what to do in this situation, but I knew I couldn't just go straight back to him, I needed to give myself some time to think and my bowling trip with the girls would be the perfect thing to take my mind off it.

Fair warning, I was shit at bowling.

(731 Words)

A/n:
I'm sorry the updates are going slow at the moment, I'm pretty busy and I'm not finding a ton of time but I'll try to get back to more frequent updates ASAP.
:)