With Him | Bucky x Reader | Enemies with Benefits

-62-

Y/n's POV:

My hands flew to my face, covering my mouth, replaying the words in my head:
Bucky didn't return with Sam.

A lump formed in the back of my throat, restricting my ability to breathe. My heart felt as if it was being swallowed and all I wanted was for the rest of my body to be swallowed along with it.
He is officially missing in action.

 I fought to stop my pounding heart from bursting out of my chest. I didn't let my eyes leave Steve's as a lonely tear slid down his cheek. I don't think I'd ever seen him cry before.
It is unlikely he will return.

The words played again: It is unlikely he will return. 
Unlikely.
Not impossible.

I took a deep breath (actually, I took several) and swallowed down the lump in my throat, pulled back the tears, pushed my heart back together and into my chest.

I sat up straighter in the chair and breathed out again. I was okay, he would come back.

Unlikely, not impossible.

"Y/n?" Steve asked, looking incredibly concerned as I stood up.

"Thank you for telling me, Steve. If you need to talk about it then you know where to find me." I said politely but with no emotion. I couldn't show emotion. Emotion was bad. If I showed emotion then I wouldn't be able to stop and that was worthless when he was going to come back.

Unlikely, not impossible. Unlikely, not impossible.

I had turned around and only taken one step towards the door when Steve pulled me back. "Y/n, I don't think you understand," He said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper, "He is missing and wounded in an area with very little food. He's been in this situation before and there's only one reason he survived. If you can call that surviving..."

"Exactly, he's been in this situation before and he survived." I replied curtly, turning back to the door before Steve pulled me back to him for a second time.

"Listen, Y/n." He huffed, his voice louder now, "He is missing and he probably won't come back. Accept it now or it will hurt more later."

"No. You listen, Steve." I returned, trying to keep the crack out of my voice, "He could still come back."

Unlikely, not impossible.

"Or he could be dead!" Steve snapped. "He could be dead right now, Y/n. He could have been dead for hours or he could be dying right now. Maybe he will die in a week or two, we don't know but if you don't accept it now then it's going to tear you up when we find the body." Tears ran down his face, I could see the reason in his words and I could hear the pain in his voice, but Bucky could be okay. Unlikely, not impossible.

"Don't you have any faith in him?" I asked, unable to stop my voice from rising to the same volume as Steve's.

"I do!" He yelled, passion radiating out of him. "For fuck's sake, Y/n. I want him to be alive. Don't you think I want him to be here? I want him to be okay, but I've done this a million times before. I've seen my fellow soldiers die next to me-"

"And you think I haven't?" I interrupted, "I've seen people die on missions, we all have, but Bucky is different and he's going to come back."

Unlikely, not impossible. Unlikely, not impossible. Unlikely, not impossible.

I walked out of the room and straight into Bucky's, half my stuff was there now anyway. 

The first thing I did was pull one of his hoodies over my head, embracing his warm musky scent as it flooded over me and imagining that he was here with me as I paced up and down the room.

Bucky is fine. Bucky is fine. Bucky is fine. Bucky is...

A small, silent tear rolled down my cheek. Bucky is fine. I told myself, repeating the phrase over and over again until it was engrained into my head.

An idea hit me like a truck, *Bucky!* I thought to him, *Buck, are you there? Can you reply?*

Silence. That was all I heard.

*Bucky, don't fuck with me right now. Reply to me, send me a message, tell me you're okay.*

I don't know how much time passed as I walked up and down the length of the room, sending him message after message. He would reply. He would be alright.

Unlikely, not impossible.

"Y/n?" I heard a voice calling from outside Bucky's door. "Are you in there?" It was...Hill.

Wiping the water from my eyes and composing myself, I walked towards the door. "Maria?" I mumbled as I opened the door and saw her standing in front of me. "What are you doing here?"

"Dinner's ready. Nat said she would go to your room to get you since she didn't see you get any lunch, but I offered 'cause I figured that you would be here." She answered, walking into the room and sitting on his bed. On our bed. 

I joined her.

"How did you know?" I managed to bring myself to ask, the words coming out quieter than I usually spoke.

A soft smile spread across her lips. "I see how he looks at you. And how you look at him. You're more than just friends aren't you?"

I nodded silently. He was so much more than just my friend. He was a complete and utter asshole, but you better believe he was my asshole. He was a dickhead, but he was my dickhead. Bucky was my boyfriend. 

And he was going to come back. He was going to be fine. Unlikely, not impossible.

I closed my eyes. *Please talk to me, Buck. Just tell me that you're okay, I need to know that you're okay.*

"Do you want to come to dinner? Because I fully understand if you don't. I can tell them that you're feeling sick..." She offered, her kind eyes offering me comfort.

"No." I responded as if on autopilot. "I'll come." 

I stood up and took another deep, steadying breath and a pair of arms surrounded me as Hill brought me into a warm embrace. My mind was telling me to push everyone away, but I found comfort in her hug. She understood.

"Thank you." I mumbled under my breath before we headed toward the dining room. 

(1037 Words)