Closer than Ever

Chapter 82 - The Other Shoe

"What did I do so wrong, Eunen Sae?" Taehyung's words shatter my heart all over again, and I exhale shakily.

"You don't even have a guess?" I ask.

"Is it... is it because I chickened out and didn't propose?" he asks, his eyes on the floor.

"What? No!" I say, shocked. He looks into my eyes.

"Tae, I have told you before that I love you madly, and I'm not ready to get married quite yet. That's not the issue." He looks down again. "I guess I feel like you don't really hear me when I say that." His eyes widen and he looks at me again.

"What do you mean?"

I sigh heavily. "I mean, it seems like you are just totally determined to get married and have a flock of kids as soon as possible, so you're moving so fast. And I understand that you're getting family pressure now, but that's been true... our whole relationship, really. I told you on the drive that I'm, I'm insecure. If we get married, I want to know that it's really forever, that you're not going to fall in love with someone more glamorous and leave me stranded with six kids." My voice hitches.

Taehyung grabs my hand. "Never." He puts his other hand under my chin and tilts my face up to look at him. "Never, Birdie. I will never want to be with anyone but you."

Tears start rolling down my face. "I believe you... or I want to believe you. I guess I need you to prove it to me for a little bit longer, though. And the other thing is trust."

Tae's eyes get big again.

"You prepared this whole beautiful picnic, and you remembered everything. Candles to keep mosquitos away. A corkscrew for the wine. Blankets so we wouldn't get cold. But you didn't bring any condoms..." I look up and see a furtive flash of guilt cross his face. "Kim Taehyung. Was that really a mistake? Because I started to think that it was on purpose."

His face looks unfamiliar to me suddenly, almost like a mask, as he says, "Of course, it was just an accident. I'm sorry that I forgot."

I study his face, my heart cracking all over again. "I understand that you desperately want a family of your own. I get that!" I reach forward to grab his hand again. "But love, there are things that I want, too. I want to have a career. I want to make music. Can I do that if I am on maternity leave constantly for eight or ten years? If we're going to be together, I need to know that you will consider my goals, my wants, and my right to make choices about my own life, you know?" He looks at me silently.

I drag my free hand across my face, and look at him again. "Babe, I love you with all my heart, and you are just this HUGE person, you know what I mean? Your career, your fame, your personality, your absolute refusal to take 'no' for an answer... You're larger than life, and I'm afraid sometimes that I will just disappear into your aura."

Taehyung shakes his head, his eyes wide. "Birdie..."

"I never want to feel like I'm just a, a household appliance for you. A machine that cranks out song lyrics and babies."

"What?!" he says, looking appalled. "You would never, never be just an object to me! I love you!" He sits back in his chair, staring at me.

I hold his gaze for 10-15 seconds, trying to read his mind. "Part of loving me, part of not seeing me as an object, has to be giving me the right to choose, without being manipulated or tricked." A shadow flits across his eyes again. "I want to have kids with you, Taehyung. I think we would make beautiful, smart, talented, funny little weirdos." We both smile at the idea. "But if I only want two or three of them, is that going to be a problem? You always talk about eight or ten. But I would be the one who would have to carry them each for nine months, I would be the one giving birth. Would you be willing to compromise and have just a few kids, if that is my choice?"