Closer than Ever

Chapter 88 - Tell Me His Name

As soon as I say the word "assaulted," I can feel Taehyung's body stiffen. "Birdie... What do you mean? Who hurt you?" His voice is quiet, and I've never heard him sound so deadly serious.

"Didn't I mention it? I think when we did the however-many questions that cause love, I kind of mentioned it." I fold my lips in and make eye contact with him.

"You said that you were the victim of a crime when you were... seventeen, I think? But that's all you said."

"Oh, that's right," I nod. I sit up straighter, and he gently rubs my back.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Yeah." I gulp and meet his eyes again. "I had a huge crush on this high school classmate of mine. Tanner. He was captain of the lacrosse team, good looking, in all of the advanced classes... He seemed like the perfect guy. I thought that I was in love with him from late in my freshman year, my first year, until... until two years later..." My voice trails off.

Taehyung just waits for me to go on, his eyes huge and his mouth drawn into a tight line.

"I wasn't the kind of kid who went to the parties in the woods, you know, with the drinking and drugs and all of that. I was a pretty serious student, and I mostly hung out with the other band kids, who were much tamer than the athletes. But this guy, Corey, he was Tanner's best friend, he invited me to one of the drinking parties during my junior year, third year, and I decided to go."

His hand that was resting on my knee is now balled into a fist. I pick it up, and uncurl his fingers, sandwiching it between my two much smaller hands, and giving him a tight little smile.

"So, my friend Kyra and I went to the party out in the forest, and you know how terrible I am at drinking. I had three big plastic cups of beer and I was basically incapacitated, because I had never had alcohol before. I didn't pass out, but I was close..." I look at Tae's face, and see that his eyes are hard and his nostrils are flaring. I look away for a moment, steeling myself and doing a quick micro-meditation to keep from panicking.

"I needed to vomit, so I went off into the trees by myself, but Tanner followed me and, and after I threw up, he convinced me to go back to his truck with him to get some water. And when we got to the truck, he raped me." My hands are shaking. "I was a virgin, really naive. I couldn't believe it was happening. I reported it to the police the next day, and they sent me to the hospital to do a rape kit, but I don't know if that evidence was ever processed. The police took my statement, and Kyra's, and they questioned Tanner and Corey and some of the other people who were there, but nothing ever happened. He was never arrested or charged with anything."

Taehyung suddenly punches the couch cushion beside him, cursing harshly in dialect. "Birdie, where is this guy now?" he growls.

"I don't know," I say half-smiling at him. "I've never checked, because I refuse to be angry or afraid anymore."

"Tell me his family name, please, and I'll make sure he regrets what he did to you." I have never seen Kim Taehyung looking so angry.

"Babe, I love and appreciate you, and I don't doubt for a moment that you could do it, but I think the very best revenge I can get is to live happily. And I can't do that if you end up in prison for killing some awful American guy." I lean over and kiss his cheek. 

"Birdie, he needs to pay for what he did. How could he do something so awful to you? I can't let him get away with that. Tell me his name, please." His chin is jutting out, but I see tears in his eyes.

I gently stroke his cheekbone with my thumb. "My love, I don't care about him. Karma will punish him. The point of me telling you all of this was not so you could hunt down the bad guy. It was to explain that since that time, I've been numbing myself to strong emotions, and avoiding them as much as possible, my own and other people's, too. The first time I thought that I was in love, it ended so badly, and then all of the hurt and rage and shame also just went nowhere, so I learned that it's dangerous to feel anything strongly. Since then, when I do get emotional, it has set off those anxiety attacks that you've seen. But I want that to stop. I'm trying to find ways to make it stop now."