Closer than Ever

Chapter 83 - Should Have Known Better

I sit on the hospital bed, the crinkly paper rustling quietly as I shift from side to side. It seems like a single moment and also an eternity before the doctor comes back, frowning at my chart.

"Well, miss, you're healthy. And you're pregnant," he says, his eyes meeting mine over his glasses.

My mind is a blank buzz of static.

"Are you... are you sure?" I ask, although I know it's a silly question.

"Yes. When was your last regular menstrual period?"

"Uh, it was about... shit. Sorry. Probably eight or nine weeks ago. I don't keep track carefully..."

He nods. "In that case, you're probably around four weeks pregnant." My mind counts back to our anniversary picnic, and the math adds up. "If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, do remember that almost half of pregnancies naturally fail in the first trimester. I always advise patients not to tell many people about the baby until after three months, just in case."

My brain takes in that information, but I feel neither fear nor hope at the idea of losing the pregnancy, just overwhelming shock at the whole situation.

"I am going to have you pick up prenatal vitamins at the pharmacy; it won't hurt you to take them, even if this turns out to be the wrong time to have a baby." I nod mechanically. "Please make an appointment soon with an ob/gyn, OK, miss?" I nod again. "Good luck to you," he says, and shakes my hand.

I pull my clothes back on in a daze, and reach into my purse for my phone. In slow motion, I text Taehyung.

Babe, are you guys still in the meeting?

Yes, but we have a break in about ten minutes. Are you OK?

I'm OK. Can you come down to the studio during your break? I'm still at the hospital, but I'll get there as soon as I can.

Birdie, what's going on? Are you sick?

No, I'm OK. Talk to you in a minute, love.

Taehyung is waiting for me when I get to the studio; his eyes are dark with worry, and I can tell that he has been pacing. "Birdie, what's happening?"

"Tae, I'm pregnant," I say, not really believing it.

A slide show of micro-emotions crosses his face: surprise, shock, joy, fear, guilt, uncertainty. "You're... you're pregnant?"

I nod, studying his eyes.

"I thought that you would have... You didn't take the after pills?" His face is carefully neutral, but I can hear hope in his voice.

"No, I didn't leave my apartment for three days. I forgot to get the pills," I admit, and rub my hand across my forehead.

He starts to take a step toward me, then stops, turns as if he's going to sit down in his desk chair, then pivots toward me again. "I don't know what to say, Birdie. I want to be happy about it, but I don't know if you're happy."

I laugh humorlessly. "I don't know if I'm happy either. I'm really in shock."

"Uhh, is it OK if I hug you?" he asks.

"Of course," I say, and start to cry. "You don't have to ask that, babe."

He folds me into his arms and rocks me lightly side to side. "Birdie, I know that this wasn't what you planned. I will respect your decision, either way. You know that, right? I love you and want you to be happy."

I sob out loud, and bury my head in his chest. He holds me tighter, rubbing my back softly. I hear his phone vibrating in his pocket, but he ignores it. "I want to have a baby with you, Taehyung, just not right now," I say, my words almost indistinguishable.