Closer than Ever

Chapter 49 - Jin Day

I can't believe that it's already time for the final performance of Permission to Dance Onstage in LA. As I walk in, an ARMY volunteer hands me a white placard with a red heart in the middle, which has "Jin" written in hangul in the center. 'Oh, that's right! His birthday is tomorrow, Seoul time, isn't it?' I think. Another ARMY tries to give me a paper crescent moon cover for my lightstick, also in honor of Jin-shi, but I regretfully tell him that I don't have an ARMY bomb. My seat for this show is at the front of the lowest balcony, looking straight at the stage. As I settle into place, I look around and feel thankful to have this birds-eye view of the fourth show.

I wouldn't have thought that it could be possible, but the guys turn up the energy even higher than before for their first set, dancing like their lives depend on it. The waves of love and energy pouring back to them from the crowd are so intense that I start to cry and hyperventilate, my heart spasming inside me. 'Should I go out and take a breather?' I wonder, briefly. 'No, this IS my happy place. Just calm down, idiot.' Fortunately, nobody else can hear the weird crying/laughing noises I'm making; they're covered by the sounds of DNA at 100 decibels.

I manage to stop panicking by the time they come back out for Blue & Grey and Black Swan, but I'm still a weepy mess for much of the rest of the show, and I can't explain why. I mean, how crazy-emotional do you have to be to cry through Boy With Luv and Dynamite, for peet's sake? By the time the guys start singing Mikrokosmos as an encore song, I have to pull a second bright purple paper facemask out of my stadium bag and switch the original one out, because it's totally soaked in tears. Namjoon doesn't help any with his 'ments, in which he keeps saying things like "This is our last concert!" "The final concert!"

'He just means in LA, right? Or did talks fall through for the Seoul concert? Are they leaving for the military soon, right after this?' My knees buckle and I sit down, suddenly. 'Tae wouldn't leave without giving me some warning first, right? Maybe the hyungs have to go, but the maknaes still have time...' I start to hyperventilate again.

The middle-aged man standing next to me looks over and yells, "Are you OK?"

I sniffle and nod, eye-smiling at him with my puffy red eyes, and yell back, "Yeah, thanks! It's just hitting me hard tonight!!" He nods and turns to watch the stage.

Chris Martin makes a surprise guest appearance and they sing My Universe as the final song, which goes better than it did at the AMAs.

And then it's over.

I can tell that I'm not the only audience member who feels the onset of post-concert depression. A lot of fans linger in the stands, picking up bits of confetti, chatting with one another, and just generally looking reluctant to leave. I remind myself that I could be the only person in the building who gets to go home to one of the actual BTS members, and this thought motivates me to go out and get into my rental car for the long wait to drive home.

Tae and the guys have a private champagne celebration this time, toasting to the completion of the concert series. He sends me a couple of funny still photos of the festivities, while I'm still in the parking lot. It's almost midnight by the time I get back to my hotel, and Tae is draped over the couch waiting for me.

"There he is, my superstar international K-pop sensation sunshine rainbow traditional transfer usb hub shrimp lovie-man boyfriend!" I say, laughing as I kick off my shoes.

Taehyung giggles too. "I'm not a shrimp, Birdie!" he says, sitting up and looking at me through his bangs. "Your eyes look like glass. Are you OK?"

"Oh, shit." I rub my eyes and then blink a bunch of times, smiling at him. "Yeah, I just cried for most of the concert, for some reason," I chuckle and look away, embarrassed.