Rose bed of lies

.37

Emma

Who knew the alcohol would burn more coming up, I stared at the toilet filled with stomach acid, bits of food and a whole lot of whatever Zack gave me. I don't know why but I love the feeling, throwing up was like getting high, even though I never been high before I can only imagine from how it's been described that this is what it's like. The world kind of fades.  It's just me getting rid of everything. The pain, the worry, shame.

Here I was sitting on the bathroom floor, I was slightly out of breathe, and my heart felt heavy, still I began to clean everything up as the time moved and blurred out from around me, I avoided Zack for the rest of the night, and eventually made it to my bed, hoping sleep would wipe the embarrassment away.

My head pounded like I had been hit by a bus, my throat was on fire, and my body just felt numb, I didn't want to get up, i wanted to give up and let go of everything. But my mind told I needed to get up, I needed to check the scale. The want to be perfectly weightless kept me going. I lived for it.

Pushing myself out of bed, my feet hit the floor, I began to walk, didn't get very far before my sight blurred with black dots, my whole body felt like it was falling, it was , I steadied myself on the bed.

After making my way to the bathroom I splashed my face with so water to help me wake up. Once dry I moved the towel off my eyes. They looked dull and darker, my face seemed more pale, the light flush of red to my cheeks gone.

I stood on the scale, I had in fact lost 5 pounds, I could've Swore with the food Zack's made me eat I would've gained some, but to be fair I didn't keep much down.  I looked back at the mirror, my body seemed bigger, was my scale broken?

Glancing at the clock it was only 5am. I stepped into the shower trying to wash the shame and smell of alcohol off. After I was nearly finished washing out my conditioner, I noticed just how much hair was coming out.. My hair falls out, but not like this.

I wrapped the plush fabric around my body and got out, standing in front of the mirror I dropped my towel to look in the reflection. some would think I'm narcissistic for how much I look in the mirror, looking at my wet hair, that fell to my hips. The fading bruises and the scars that will never go away. The circles under my eyes that grew darker by the day. I felt empty. I feel like it's been like this for a while I just didn't care. Not enough, at least.

Why should I if my own family couldn't?
I feel like, I know somethings wrong, I know what I do isn't normal, maybe it's bad, maybe it's not. I feel like I'm fighting between wanting to know what it's like to not be the way I am. Or wanting it to get so bad that I don't have to think anymore.

the world around me was so cold, i've become numb to everything.

I ripped my attention away from the glass, picking up my towel and cuddling into. I brush my wavy hair

I secured it around chest. And walked into my room to start getting ready.

"Hey" his voice was relaxed,

The towel almost fell from the way I jumped back,

"Sweet Jesus zack!" there his was leaning against the closer bedroom door, I held on to the fabric for dear life.  His eyes lingered on my body for a few seconds before making eye contact.

" Well, that's one way to scream my name"

"You can't keep coming in here, right after I get out of the shower"

" it's my house,I can do whatever I want" he shrugged "anyways blondie just wanted to tell you no school today"

" what did you do?"

" I made a call, anyway get dressed, I want you to wear these" he threw a bag on my bed

I must've given him a weird look

"just put them on and come downstairs" he opened the door and shut it behind him, always giving orders.

I cautiously picked up the bag, when we were in seventh grade,  he put a real scorpion in my school bag, why because he wanted to see how I would react. Jokes on him I actually like scorpions.

There was a pair of  gray leggings and a pink fluffy sweeter, a thick pair of sock, white gloves and a pair of slip on boots.

I let the towel slip down the cold air bit my skin.
After Clipping a bra on I realized it was gapping more. had it always been like that? I was a 32D when I was 95 pounds. I haven't lost that much weight though. Brushing off that fact, I decided to wear a lace bralette instead and some matching lace panties.

after slipping on the rest of the clothes,
I put on my usual, make up concealing, every flaw and sprayed my perfume. Time to go see what Zack wants I guess.

as I was walking down the stairs. everything is spinning I know it can't be normal. But I also can't accept that it isn't..

Here's the next pages guys🥺 i'm sorry it's not very long, and unedited

Here's some artwork to go with the book