Anxiety

Square one

In late February he asked me to go to a concert with him. The concert was in May.

We obviously ended things before this concert, so I decided to go by myself. In the last minute I decided to bring a friend too.

The first few minutes I was worried to see him again, but my friend calmed me down and I realized that this place was way too crowded. He might be here, but I will never in a million years be able to find him.

In the middle of it all, I turn around. I'm not sure why, maybe because the concert hadn't caught my attention too well. So when I look back, I see someone. I don't know who it is, but I recognize him so well.

It's one of his friends.

I panic.

Behind his friends, no one other than him is standing. He's talking to his friends, about what I don't know. I turn around again, lean in to whisper to my friend. It turns out I yell instead, due to the loud noises of the concert.

"He is here. Don't look back, don't look at him at all. If he looks at us, we don't know him. If he looks at us, we have no idea who he is. He's a stranger to us."

My friend instantly gets it, and the concert goes on. I refuse to look back. My friend leans in to whisper/yell that she wants to look back, she promises to be discreet about it. In the exact same moment he walks by. By this time I'm sure he's seen me, he just doesn't know I've seen him. I point to his back and my friend sees his curly hair, takes a step back and nods.

I curse myself out in my head, why the fuck is he here?! What's the meaning of all this, why is this happening to me? The last time I saw him was 2 months ago and I recently just got over him.

The rest of the concert is weird. I look at him a few times from where he's standing maybe three rows in front of me. He is with his friends. No girls. I'm glad.

Whenever someone I think i recognize walks by, I'm sure it's one of his new girl friends and I feel sick. But I'm always wrong. He just stands there with his backpack and his friends.

One time I catch him looking back. I'm not sure what he was looking for, but it looked like he was looking for someone. My friend said he was looking for me. I'm glad he was.

I don't care for this guy anymore like I used to, but it was so weird seeing him again.

It's weird seeing someone after two months, when you haven't had any contact whatsoever. It's weird knowing that this guy, the guy three rows in front of me, has been in my bed. I've been in his bed. We've been curled up together and we've held hands, we've made each other promises and we've said words I honestly thought were real.

And now we're here again. Looking at each other from a distance. We don't even say hi. We don't make eye contact.

I see his lips moving when he's talking to his friends, and I remember his voice. He walks by and I remember his smell. He smiles and I remember how it felt to make him laugh so hard he barely couldn't breathe.

I've kissed that guy. I've had true feelings for that guy.

And now we're nothing but strangers. Right back to square one..