Anxiety

December

100 calories here, 100 calories there. 

100 calories left, 100 calories too much. 

100 calories burnt, 100 calories eaten. 

He stood behind me in line to the school cafeteria. He was happy, so goofy. He was talking and he kept going about anything. He wasn't talking to me, but I was close lucky enough to get to hear his precious voice. To hear his little laugh and see his breath taking smile. 

He brushed his arm against mine. Once, twice, maybe three times. Not on purpose, of course, but we were standing that close. 

I remember what he had said. Not to me, but to the others. He's not that tall. Maybe 170 cm. At least that's what he said. 

I'm 165 cm. 

I had my chance, but never took it. 

I could've said hi, I could've introduced myself. 

But I didn't. 

I didn't even smile at him. 

My friends were talking to me, but I couldn't seem to focus och what they were talking about. All I kept in mind was that the boy I cared way too much for was right beside me but I didn't do anything about it. 

"Hi, we don't have any classes together and you don't know who I am, but I'm pretty sure I'm into you. Nice to meet you."

Oh, by the way, I spent last night crying for a while. 

I was crying, not over him, but over myself. 

I was crying over the fact that I'm too fat to ever mean anything to him. 

Too stupid to ever mean anything to him. 

Too stubborn to ever, and I mean ever even be in a relationship. 

I hate everything and I think December is going to suck ass.