Anxiety

It's been a while

So...

Hello. 

It's been, what, two years? Two years since I last posted something here. 

When I read back on my old chapters (I started this book 2012 holy shit) I feel like absolutely nothing has changed. But I guess I'm wrong. First of all, I am a lot older. When I started writing here I was a young, insecure teen girl who had a lot on her plate. I believe my teenage years have been the worst of my life...

I guess hormones mixed with expectations, pressure and society's standards made me feel like shit for a few years. And dating boys who were never any good to me made me feel unworthy and not good enough. 

Today I'm 23. I am a lot heavier than when I posted the last time, but I guess that doesn't really matter. I'm still me. 

I am still an anxious person, I guess. Been to doctors, therapists, meetings and so on. I've been on anti depressants too. They made me sweat a lot so I gave them up. 

A few days ago I decided to stop taking my birth control pills. After being on them for about 6 years on and off I felt like I had to stop. I saw a girl on TikTok who had a stroke and got paralyzed. And I don't feel like adding hormones and stuff to my body when I feel like this.

I'm studying full time now! In three years I'm done and then I can start looking for jobs I actually want to have. And I'm still with my boyfriend, we met 5 years ago. I've written about him before, you should know who it is haha ;)

We live together in an apartment and life is fine. I get anxious a lot and insecure about my weight, but that's something I can take care of if I want, and I guess I don't want to enough since I don't do anything about it :-)

I binge eat a lot which sucks. But what can I do. I see doctors and therapists and they don't seem to see the issue. "Just stop" is their way to go. Not mine, though. 

I see a lot of you have been messaging me and commenting on my story and I haven't seen those comments and messages until today. So, sorry if I couldn't help you with stuff you were going through. I hope I can be more helpful in the future. 

I saw a girl asking if she was wrong for hating a parent who was alcoholic. And no, I mean, that's not my question to answer. I feel like everybody has the right to hate anyone, related or not. At least you have every right to be mad at people who make yours and others life harder. 

Is there anything you'd like to know? Any questions you have? Do you need advice, help or someone to talk to? I will try to come on here more often again. I enjoyed reading chapters I wrote in high school, the first boy I found interest in I actually had to look up on Facebook today, haha... 

And thank you, thank you sooooo much, for all of your sweet comments. And for defending me when dumb people have been making stupid comments. 

Do not forget that you are never alone. And the road is long. Don't feel bad for not making it in a week, look at me, I've been here for 8 years now and I am still struggling, sooo hard.