Anxiety

What love really feels like

Recently I've been very torn between who I am and who I want to be. I personally think I've become better at being myself, but just a better version. 

Also I'm in love again. 

"Again" more like the second time in my crappy life. 

It all started when I asked myself more often if I actually was in love. The answer was simple:

Probably not, you're just attached. It's okay though, he doesn't love you and you'll be alright.

But the thing is that when the person you're into kind of leaves you hanging, you feel everything. You don't hesitate anymore. You're just so sure of your own feelings towards this person and you can really feel how in love with them you are. 

For example, when he (the guy I'm in love with obviously) stopped talking to me for like, the shortest amount of time, maybe two days, and I was devastated. I was so crushed and I felt everything and I knew that if this is what life is like without him, I'm not so sure I want to be a part of it. 

Well, obviously no go can make me feel that way, and obviously I'd just wait for it to pass. At least that's what I felt like at the moment.  

And the same thing happened two days ago when he hadn't talked to me in over a week, and I was starting to get really worried. 

Is he tired of me?

Did I do anything wrong?

Am I too simple for him?

Has he found someone else?

Does he hate me?

And I walked around for a week asking myself these things. It hurt me because the person I wanted the most maybe didn't want me back. 

So after talking things out we got back to normal, he had just been extremely busy and filled with thoughts and I accepted that. So it's all normal now. But that's not what I wanted to tell you.

I wanted to tell you this. 

A couple of days ago I was waiting for my bus to arrive while listening to some music, his favourite of course. And I realized that we were over (because that was what I actually thought) and that things were never going to be the same again. 

I was so sad and felt so much pain that I actually had to sit down to just bend over. I had to bend over and squeeze my eyes because I just couldn't stop crying.

I felt new pain mixed with old pain and the memories were flashing before my eyes and I had to bend over. 

And when you feel this much, because of a person, and because you're worried, I believe you're in love. 

Not because pain is a beautiful thing or because love is supposed to hurt this way. 

Because love is supposed to make you feel nothing, then everything. 

You're supposed to spend time with that specific person and feel as normal as ever, but once you leave it all sinks in. Sure, my heart beats a little harder when I know we're about to kiss and I still get nervous over meeting him, but I always feel more when he's not around. 

I don't know guys but these are just some of my thoughts. Do you think I'm in love or not? What do you think about love, what does love feel like?