Anxiety

My relationship with food

Let's talk about my relationship with food.

I remember being 14 and looking at myself in the mirror before dinner. The same day I stopped eating. I can't remember what started it all. I'm guessing it had to do with my surroundings. All the popular girls at my school were skinny. The best players on my soccer team were skinny. The girls that got picked to be the One Less Lonely Girl at Justin Bieber's concerts were all skinny. 

I guess as a 14 year old, skinny equals pretty. I had friends who went to the gym and ate a certain way to get "fit". Like what the hell, we were 14?!

I remember my mom freaking out because I skipped one dinner. Thank you, mom. I ended up eating later though. 

I also remember talking about wanting to lose weight with my mom when we were in the car. She wanted to support me, of course, and I started eating low carb. I was 14 years old dammit. 

And I was nowhere near fat or overweight. I played soccer, I was very active in school and hung out with friends a lot. I even ran on the track next to where I lived. I would never put my children on any diet, never. You shouldn't feel the need to go on a diet when you're that young. 

Ever since then I've felt the need to lose weight, no matter how much I weighed. I'm guessing I've gained about 30-40 kg's since I started having this mindset. And it's sad. It sucks thinking about losing weight everyday for so many years. I've almost spent ten years of my life putting myself down for my appearance. I'm more than my appearance. 

I'm a great sister who is always there to help with homework or tough situations at my brothers job. 

I'm a decent daughter. I guess I could be better at calling first though.

I'm an amazing girlfriend. I cook almost every night, I make the bed everyday, I clean and food prep for my boyfriend. I hug, I stroke, I scratch, I kiss, I ask questions and genuinely want to know the answer. 

I'm a good student. I try, at least. Sometimes I'm lazy but honestly, nobody else but me gets affected. 

I'm a good friend. I don't have a bunch of friends, but I care about the ones I have. I'm always there to listen and give advice. 

When I was around 15 or 16 my family and I went on a trip to Spain. I threw up after every meal, because I hated the way I looked so much. I think I was recently dumped by  a boy I had been talking to over the phone for the last 6 months around this time, and that made me feel even worse. 

In high school I lost a lot of weight because I found out you could count calories and if you did it right, you'd lose weight. I lost a lot and felt really good about myself. I forced myself off the bus everyday after school to go to the gym and I only did cardio when I was there. I'd say I did cardio for almost two hours most days after school. That's a lot of cardio. 

Then I got into a relationship, started taking birth control pills and such. I've gained about 30 kg since I high school, which is a lot of weight and a lot of weight in just 5 years. My biggest wish as of right now is to lose the weight, I would like to be 35-40 kg's lighter than I am today. But I know that takes a lot of hard work, dedication and discipline which I don't have. At least I've started going to the gym again which I feel is gonna help a lot. I don't want to weigh over 100 kg's ever in my life so I've decided to get rid of the scale for now and weigh myself in a month or so if I feel ready for it. I remember I challenged myself a few years ago and I stayed in a calorie deficit and also went to the gym regularly, I lost 5,5 kg's that month and I felt very good about myself. I'm sure I'd lose a lot more if I did the same thing today, but that's just because I weigh more and also know a lot more about nutrition, training and all that. 

Even though I want to lose up to 40 kg's, I know I would be so happy about losing just 10 or 15. I think that is all I need to get back on track to be honest. I have been so bad with binging lately. And I'm sick of myself always chosing food over health and wellbeing. I'm very unhealthy today. And I had to buy new clothes that fit, and they are starting to feel small now. And that scares me. I don't know when I'm going to start this weightloss journey, because there is always something in my way like dinners or vacations and such. And I should be able to enjoy those even though I'm trying to lose weight. I guess I'll just continue going to the gym and then I'll try to count my calories again on monday. I don't understand why I always wait for monday when I literally can start right now. 

Anyways, I suck I guess. I'm not even sure what I wanted to say with this post. My relationship with food is strange and hopefully when I read back on this in a few years I have lost the weight and feel better about myself.