Anxiety

221 days

I'm back feeling like a piece of shit again. 

I could be failing one class but instead I'm failing four. 

I'm failing because I'm anxious about talking in front of people and I'm failing because I feel like my work isn't good enough. 

My teachers have done a lot for me, I know, and they're pushing me. They're telling me that there's barely any work left, and that it's going to be worth it, even though I don't feel comfortable talking to people.

But that's just not how it works. They should know, after all. It's not about being nervous or wondering if I'm going to remember my lines or not. It's about standing in a certain position so that my left lag doesn't spasm like it's been doing lately. 

It's about stuttering while reading my- not even memorized- lines. 

It's about looking at people - while they're looking at me - and asking myself if it's even worth it. Do they even understand what I'm saying. Am I being clear with the result of my analyziz. Am I presenting a project that's going to fail anyways?

It's about being up next, prepared to just get it over with, and then suddenly get that overwhelming feeling of doubt. 

Lately I've been more sad than happy when around that guy. I've counted the days and today it's been 221 days since we met for the first time. 221 days since we kissed for the first time and 221 days since you entered my life. 

221 days later and you're still on my mind every day. 

221 days later and I still like the way you kiss me. 

221 days later and I still haven't talked to your older brother, at all. 

221 days later and I usually cry when I'm driving home from your place.

221 days later and last night you wore your cologne for the first since the first time we met, 221 days ago. 

I'm going to stop feeling scared, and I am going to love you more. I feel like I'm holding back because I'm scared you don't want me. But, even though we didn't see each other for a while in the middle of it all, it's been 221 days. And I believe that if you're with someone for a total of 221 days, there can't be that you don't want me.