Anxiety

173

Today's the 19th of January. 

It's a snow day, everybody's stuck in traffic which means = no school. I'm relieved. At the same time I know I have so much work to catch up on. I'm just lazy.

I don't think I've spent a single minute this year with school work. At least not outside of school. 

I met this new guy when I was out (maybe a month ago?) and he was really cool, we met again this weekend but he was much more chilled out this time. Maybe it was because I was drunk, I don't know. I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out. He asked me when I'm available. I said anytime. He said we couldn't be at his place on saturday because he's having a ton of people over. I said I'm working on saturday, he said we'd figure something out over the week. I said fine. 

I'm waiting for him to text me first. I don't think he will so that's a good thing, it means I don't have to keep my hope up and then watch them get crushed. I like him though. He's cute and he seems like a good guy. He's funny too. Or maybe I'm just into him on a level that makes me like everything about him. 

He should see that I'm interested in him. And he shouldn't take it for granted. I'm funny, sometimes, when I'm happy and all that. He should give me a chance. 

Can you imagine the day someone actually falls for me, like for real? Like "shit, I can't stop thinking about this girl." or "Why the fuck do I feel like this?". I mean, that would be pretty cool, wouldn't it? At the same time I don't want to feel anything for anyone ever. At least not if it's going to be like this. I like a guy, he's being nice to me and treats me well, then suddenly he stops and I'm already free falling and I end up being very very sad. 

I don't need that. I need a hug. A comforting kiss on my forehead. As dorky as it might sound, I want to feel needed. Like a life without me isn't worthy. I'm ready to stop hooking up with strangers in the club and talking to irrelevant boys over snapchat. I want to prove to someone that I'm good enough, that I know how to love and that I will do it with all of my heart. No more projects. No more taking boys home to meet my parents and then never see them ever again. 

I want new friends too. As much as I talk to boys I don't fucking want one. They're just complicated and I don't need that bad energy in my life. I counted and I have one friend that cares. The rest are much easier to just delete out of my life. They don't give a shit :) 

I'm angry.