Anxiety

Everything is fucked up

Hi.

I'm a teenage girl.

I am always the big girl in my group of friends.

I have bad skin. It's gotten better, but for almost 7 years I've suffered from acne.

I go to school, a good one. I'm smart. But not smart enough. My parents help me out a lot on school assignments and such, because I'm not smart enough. I don't understand. I don't get it.

My hair gets greasy very easily. I always shower in the morning, or else I feel disgusting.

I wear black jeans for school every single day, and a big sized long sleeve. Never short sleeve, not even in the summer.

I have friends. I have my best friend who lives across the street. I have another best friend who lives 3 hours away from me with train.

I have 3 other friends who are nice. Most of the time. Don't get me wrong, they're good people, but I wouldn't trust them with my life, ever. I guess you need those kind of friends too.

I am single. I've dated boys before. Probably 8, or 9. I can't remember. I had my first kiss when I was 17, it was at a bus stop after a movie date. It was really bad. I've kissed 4 boys in my life. One of them asked me if I wanted to "do it" but I said no, because I wasn't in love with him. I've been in love with 2 boys in my life. Both times I was hurt.

I have a brother. I have great parents. I'm the problem, and I can't handle myself when
1. they ask me to do something
2. they yell at me
3. they raise their voice
4. they expect something from me

I am, honestly, the worst daughter anyone could possibly have.

For 6 years I've had this idea in my head that my life would automatically turn around if I lost weight.

I've always been active in soccer and at the gym, but once I quit I gained a lot of weight. When I look back at photos I realize I never was overweight or fat. It was all just in my head.

I don't see myself as a person who's fat enough for people to turn around and take a second look. If someone was to describe me, they would say slightly bigger built. I have a double chin when I laugh, talk, eat, run. I have back fat too. I have a cute butt.

I've had braces for a year and a few months. They're gone now. My teeth are perfectly straight, but not shining white. I'm working on it.

In my spare time I enjoy being on my phone. I love the sea. I play the guitar and I sing. I'm aware that I'm good.

Every day of my life I hide away in my room. I don't get up to do my hair or makeup. I sometimes forget to brush my teeth.

I have pretty friends. They get a lot of attention from boys. I get attention too, but I never really get a grab of it.

I've been to 4 real parties in my life. I've been really drunk a few times. I love being drunk. I'm usually shy but when I'm drunk I can be whoever I want to be. I know that's not always a good thing.

I'm a jealous person. I tend to get jealous when my friends pick somebody else over me. I get jealous when somebody I like becomes friends with another girl. I get jealous when I see someone really skinny eating fries.

At 11:11 (I know you're not supposed to tell your wish to anyone) I always close my eyes and wish for myself: "I wish I get skinnier when puberty hits."

Puberty hit forever ago. But I'm still wishing. And I've been wishing since I was just a kid.

Every day I google on how to turn my life around, how to get into new habits, how to start over. But I can never get started. I'm stuck in my house, in my room, in my own mess. I'm in need of a new room. A new house. A new starting point.

But I don't know how. And I don't want to live in a home for teenagers who need help. I don't want to get back to therapy. Therapy is some heavy shit.

I wish I could lose the weight, honestly. I would see so much more wort in myself if I did. I would be more outgoing and less sad. I wouldn't need alcohol to feel confident.

Everything is so fucked up and I'm fucking stuck.