Anxiety

Fucking hell

Honestly.

I have never in my entire life felt this heavy.

I remember one time when I ate like crazy, I stopped giving a shit about what would happen. I lost weight every single day, and dropped 13 pounds in no time.

I can't remember what I did right.

I've food prepped, I've cut out dairy, I only drink water, I work out, but that just isn't enough.

I gain and gain, and yesterday I saw my reflection in a window at work. I felt so disgusting anf just big.

My biggest fear is that my ex is going to show up, not because he knows where I work, but because I know he lives close.

What if he sees me in that awful uniform and looks at me like I'm dirt.

If I ever was to see him again, I would want it to be different. I'd want him to see me for the shortest amount of time, ask himself if it's really me, then realize that it actually is. Then I want him to look at me the way he did in the beginning when we first met. I want to see regret in his eyes.

I probably never will though, and I'm not sure why his opinion matters to me anyways.

I'm just lonely and I feel unloved and I feel pathetic. I can't show love to others either. I guess you get what you give.

Anyways, this has gone way too far. I know exactly what to do to just get all of this unwanted weight of, when you think about it, it's not that hard.

I'm just lazy and I don't feel like I deserve success.

School starts in 3 weeks or so. I want to be below 70 when I start, that's all I want. I just don't know why I can't get myself to do it.

Fucking hell.