Anxiety

Not Anymore

I don't know who I am anymore. I've become such an arrogant person. So selfish. 

So mean.

Most of the time jealousy takes over. And it takes over completely. I can't be happy for others anymore, yet I want them to be happy for me. Ha. 

I got concert tickets today. Not in my hand just like that, but it's confirmed that I will have two tickets the day they arrive. 

It took me a lot of courage to ask my neighbour if she wanted to join me. It's not just about a few hours, but a few days. At least two. And I'm worried. What if something goes wrong?

I'm hungry. Very hungry. Starving, actually. 

But it's late now and I must ignore my growling stomach. How badly do I really want this? Badly enough to stay away from late night snacks? Sure. I can do that. Of course I can.

School is alright. I'm doing my best, yet I don't think I'm good enough.

It's like all the others are working even harder than I am. And it sucks. 

Another thing that sucks about school is the people. You know how people stand in small groups and talk during breaks? I really try to take a spot in one of those, but it's like they won't let me in. Not anywhere. And even though I'm surrounded by people my age, I feel so lonely. Like I'm the lonliest girl in the world.

Well, almost. 

I have a few friends, I do, it's just that I can't stalk them wherever they go. I need to start socializing with others aswell. New people. 

I guess I'm too shy for that. 

There's this guy I really like. He's always smiling, laughing. But I don't know him. 

All I know is his name, and what classes he has. But that's it. Nothing else. 

I've tried getting his attention, but it's like every time I catch him looking at me, he turns his head. 

I wanna say hi. God, I'd die to have a normal conversation with him. But it's hard. 

I might not be his type. I look at other girls that he surrounds himself with, and they're all so pretty.

And I'm not. 

But the thing is I need a change. I need to change me. 

I don't wanna be who I am now. 

Not Anymore.