Table For Two

31 - Ali

For the first time in a long time I dream of my dad. After he died... it used to happen a lot but not recently. Not for a year or so in fact. I don't know if it's the fact that I've had a really bad day or if I'm just emotionally vulnerable. But I see him. In the hospital bed. Machines beeping and whirring around him. He looks so frail and drawn. Beckons me to him, smiling... he was always smiling. His hands feel like paper and his grip is weak but he looks at me, pulls me so that our eyes meet. The same eyes as mine. Fully serious. His words came out like an exhausted croak but each one of them hit me like a sledgehammer.

"It's your job to look after things now. Make me proud, buddy."

My eyes fly open and I sit bolt upright in bed as if I'd just been electrocuted. Harvey stirs beside me and in my sleep-muddled state mixed with fresh panic, I can barely remember the series of events that led to this but Harvey is, for some reason, in my bed. Athena, who had managed to shuffle onto the end of the bed, is now wriggling up between us and dropping her head in my lap. She's used to my episodes. Harvey isn't and he is only just rousing.

"Hey... what's up?" he says sleepily. His arm reaches out and wraps around my waist protectively. I can't help but feel safe as my hand lands on his forearm. I lean into him and his other arm wraps around my back so he's hugging me and I can feel myself crying against him. I can't even help it. The tears just start coming and silently falling and I could just cry for hours if left to my own devices. I feel myself falling back into bed and Harvey is pulling me to him. His hands in my hair. I can feel Athena nuzzling up with us too. She seems to have accepted Harvey's presence for now since he is actively helping and I don't feel so fucking helpless with him here... which is surprising.

I don't know why it's surprising. It feels completely... right, I guess, that he is here and hugging me while I am weeping like some queer twink version of "La Llarona". Which is high-key embarrassing. But I don't really feel embarrassed at Harvey seeing me like this. He just does the one thing I wish people would do when I get like this - he lets me feel it and just makes it known that he's there without so much as a word uttered. I love my mum and Dee but they always keep asking me how I am and if I'm okay and that honestly grates on me like they're running scouring pads across my arms. Right now I just want to stay here. With Harvey.

And then the realisation dawns on me with a brain-rattling clang.

It's Monday.

Shit.

I burst out of Harvey's grip, disturbing Athena in the process who immediately huffs and swans off out the door most likely to go lie on the sofa. Harvey looks completely bewildered... which in all fairness to him, is one of the most adorable looks in the goddamn world. I immediately scramble for my phone. The moment I have my hands on it I check the time. It's past ten in the morning. I didn't even think. Classes. Uni. Life.

"Shit. Shit shit shit" I start stressing. This is probably the worst part of when I have any sort of emotional break - the instant oh fuck moment of realising I had things to do that are often fairly important and the hair-tearing anxiety of not doing them without forewarning anyone... even though I couldn't have forewarned them if I tried. I wish it made sense or was even remotely in the realms of logic but it isn't. It's a self-replicating shitstorm and I hate it. My brain is a mess and about three people have ever been able to deal with it... well, I guess four now. Harvey is now sitting up and reaching for his phone. One hand rests on my leg and I stare at it like he's just placed a burning hot brand on me. He just sighs and starts texting someone. Once he's done, he turns to me.

"One day isn't going to mean we fail. We're barely six weeks into the semester. You've had a really bad day" he says as he gently squeezes my leg and I tense up a little. I feel like I'm wound tight and like I might fall apart again... which I have done way too much recently. I think one breakdown a day is more than enough and I overdid it yesterday.

"I was meant to have class today and I didn't tell them I would be off and now-" I let out a frustrated cry. I wish I could articulate why my brain does this. I just feel stupid. Harvey just takes my hands in his.

"Email them. Just say sorry for missing today, you were having some difficulties and see if they can send you any work you missed."

When he says it... it makes complete sense. And a part of me realises that I am being completely hysterical about this... and I start crying because I feel stupid and it's like I immediately assume I'm going to be hated by everyone because I didn't show up today. I am honestly pathetic. Harvey hugs me. And he just says "It's okay".

If god exists she best save and preserve this man's soul because he is way too fucking good for this world.