Table For Two

51 - Ali

I wasn't expecting it. Not today. And I immediately feel so goddamn guilty for being such a bitch to him in the last few days. I am the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends.

I hadn't told Harvey about the anniversary coming up. Not when he was having a bit of a moment. And to tell the truth, I needed a bit of time to breathe and have space for myself after that. But the last couple days were just me working so I could avoid thinking about today and not wanting to address it with Harvey and... ugh, it was all such a bad idea because now I am stood here wearing all black having not slept much after doing a double yesterday and now the guy I am head over heels, balls to brains in love with is standing in my doorway while I feel like having a full on ugly-ass cry with Athena on my bed.

I look like shit. I hate being awake. I am angry and upset and very much not in a good headspace... and Harvey knows it. He drops his bags by my bed, walks right up to me and pulls me into his chest and holds me there, sometimes moving to kiss my cheek or my neck or the side of my head. Anywhere he can reach, he kisses. And fuck I never realised how much I needed this... needed him. I feel a cry escape me and then the tears come cascading. He immediately moves us to the bed so we can sit as I cling to him. Athena noses around to put her head in my lap. I cry and occasionally thrash and feel like my stomach is going to try and crawl out of my throat but I haven't eaten in pretty much a day so I just kind of heave in between heavy, hideous sobs.

I don't know how long it takes for me to cry myself out. It could have been seconds or hours. I honestly could not tell you. I just know it's what I needed. I push myself up gently off of Harvey who keeps a supportive arm around me... or at least I thought he was until I see Athena's blissed face and realise that she is getting belly rubs, quite literally, behind my back. The audacity of this man to give another bitch attention right now.

"I'm sorry" are the first words out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"You don't need to apologise, Ali. You were dealing with shit on top of my shit."

"Still... I could have said and I didn't. So I'm sorry."

"Hey" Harvey says as he does actually cuddle me now "you were there after I had a meltdown last week. It's my turn to be there for you."

"You're always there for me."

"Then I'm doing my job as your boyfriend right."

My boyfriend.

My love.

I kiss him.

"I love you, Harvey"

"I love you too. But your mum did want us ready and downstairs like five minutes ago."

"How did you know, by the way?"

"Your mum hired a PI to track me down"

I give him my best 'bitch, please' face.

"Okay, okay. She messaged me on Instagram."

"She did?"

"Yeah... I was surprised too. Though it was like getting emailed by a manager honestly."

"That sounds like her" I chuckle "okay... let's head downstairs. C'mon girl."

I pat my legs twice and Athena bounds off the bed and downstairs. Harvey holds my hand as we head down together. I put my shoes on and grab a jacket, opting at the last minute to retrieve a beanie and scarf so I have some spot of colour. Mum smiles at us both as we head out to her car. Harvey slots into the back with Athena while I ride up front with mum. It's not a long drive to the cemetery. A heavy sigh escapes me as I suddenly want to turn around and go back home. Which is nothing new. I feel like that every year. And every year, I think I'll be able to handle it better next time Even though I never can. We all pile out of the car and seeing Harvey get Athena out and on her leash completely by himself makes me smile and a nice, warm feeling pools in my chest. The boy who was terrified of dogs not that long ago handling my absolute unit of a rottie on his own.

I remind myself just how lucky I've been with Harvey as we all head into the unnerving quiet of Haycombe. I don't know what it is about this place but it always seems really eerily silent. Maybe that's just part of being a place where the dead are buried. We walk through the rows of headstones to get to dad... I'm not convinced I'm okay right now. Mum kneels down and brushes away some rogue dirt and places flowers down at the base of the headstone. I cuddle into Harvey and Athena nudges against my leg, checking on me and grounding me. Mum has her moments with him before turning towards us, teary eyed. She walks past me and asks Harvey for Athena's leash which he gives her. It's my turn now. Mum is going to go sit on the bench a little ways down from dad's headstone as I walk up to it. I squeeze Harvey's hand as I start to speak quietly, my voice shaking.

"Hi, Dad"