Table For Two

40 - Harvey

What did I say wrong? What? Why is Ali just ignoring me? I want to ask but I'm also freaking out. He's not my secret. I'm out to everyone who matters. It's not like I'm hiding us from the entire world. I just... my family are just not accepting and frankly, it shouldn't matter whether they know or not. But Ali is acting so weird and standoffish and it is killing me a little bit inside. He must understand what it is like right? Not wanting to be out to everyone? I can't be the first person to ever feel like I shouldn't have to be out to the world and their mother just because I'm into guys or because me and Ali are together... right?

Ali is walking faster than usual. It's like he's trying to run away from me. I'm actually struggling to keep up with him.

"Ali... can you slow down a bit, please?" I ask a little breathlessly. He stops abruptly, whips round and shoves me in the chest, stopping me dead in my tracks as he knocks what little breath I had right out of me. I shoot him an angry look but he looks upset. He barely looks like he's avoiding crying.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he demands, voice wavering. I take a deep breath and sigh. No matter what I say, it'll sound like an excuse.

"I just... how was I supposed to?"

"With words. Jesus fucking Christ, Harvey it is not that difficult. Or maybe it suddenly is for you. I thought we at the least were being fucking honest about shit with each other."

"It's not that-"

"Then what is it, huh?" he snaps.

"It's not like it's easy admitting to the guy I love that my family are a bunch of homophobic assholes who wouldn't ever just let us be!" I snap back.

It is like a bomb has gone off between us as Ali staggers away from me. He looks completely lost in his emotions but for once I just... I don't care. I just let all the frustration flood out.

"How the fuck was I supposed to be able to tell you that, Ali? Tell you that I love you but always with a caveat? Only ever introducing you to them as a friend from uni and nothing else? I don't want them involved in my private business or relationship because they have been so overbearing my entire life. The only way I could feel myself and be even remotely open was to just put up a brick wall and keep them at arm's length. So I did. And I came out. I came to uni and I met you and I love you and I just did not want them to ruin this. I don't care if they find out I'm gay. I care what they would say about you. Or to you. I care that they would judge you and make you feel about two inches tall like-"

"Like they did to you..." Ali quietly finishes my diatribe. I just look at him and shake my head exasperated. I look around and realise I have just had a full on verbal meltdown in the middle of the street. Fortunately, it is not that busy. I slump towards the little benches outside W H Smiths and collapse down. Ali actually comes and sits next to me, with a little gap still between us.

"So... in your mind, you didn't tell me about your family to try and protect me." He surmises. I just nod.

"I... guess. In a way. I don't know. I just wanted to have a fresh start when I got here and not think about them passing judgement on every single little thing about my life."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Look, Harvey... I'm not mad. I'm upset, sure. I told you about my ex and how that affected me and just... when you said about your family not knowing. It dredged up some really horrible memories and feelings."

I turn towards Ali. He's got his hands buried in his pockets. He is all rigid and angular and anxious. What the hell has gotten into us? Did we rush into this? Are we right for each other? My mind is a complete mess right now. If I could bury my head in the paving slabs right now, I would without hesitation. This is such a mess.

"Ali, I..."

"Can we just, I don't know"

"Hey"

I reach into his jacket pocket and grab his hand, taking it in mine. I need to try and fix this. He looks down at our hands like it is such an alien thing for us to be doing and then sheepishly up into my eyes. A tear rolls down his cheek.

"I should have told you sooner. I just didn't know how."

"I get that now."

"I'm sorry I made you feel like shit"

"I know. I'm sorry for shoving you."

I let out a half-laugh and rub at my chest with my free hand. I lean my head down on his shoulder and sigh. He tenses briefly but slowly rests his head atop mine. We just sit like that for a while, not moving. Even with the wind surging around us as if it was trying to drive freezing nails through our bones. Ali eventually breaks the silence.

"Can we agree on something?"

"Okay..." I say, a little apprehensive.

"Can we just be open about shit like this?"

"I can try. I find it hard sometimes."

"Harvey, trying to get you to admit you aren't feeling okay or that you wanna do something together is like getting blood out of stone some days."

"Sorry"

"You don't have to be. I'm starting to get why."

"Yeah... growing up with my folks and my sister was rough."

"Can I ask you about it? Like, see if I can work out ways that we can talk better?"

I smile and close my eyes as I nod. This impossible man. I look back at him again.

"Two conditions."

"Okay..." He says as he gives me a look of confusion and concern.

"One, we go back and get warm first."

"Agreed. The second?"

"...can I kiss you?"

A smile slowly blooms across his face. He nods as he's already leaning into me and our lips press together, cold noses bumping against each other and I wind my arms around him until our bodies are pulled flush. This feels so much more like us. Ali pulls back and kisses my cheek before reaching up to move a lock of hair out of my face and lets his finger gently trace down my cheek. I put a hand up to cover his and turn my lips into it to kiss his palm twice before pressing my cheek against it again as I just look at him.

"Back home?" he asks. I just nod. We get up to head off, hand in hand.