Table For Two

60 - Harvey

I wish I could say me and Ali were able to spend every waking moment with each other but the build up to Christmas meant that he was busier than ever at work and so was Sharon. I would go and walk Athena for them since I wasn't planning to go back until the week of Christmas. The less time I had to spend at home the better. Being in the flat started to feel like being a ghost as everyone headed off for home. Nia, Anwar and I were the last ones... well, and Ryan but we had been studiously avoiding each other save for maybe a nod of acknowledgement as we passed each other.

The three of us spent their last night in the flat for the year playing board games and watching Heathers at Nia's insistence. I told Ali that and he insisted that the next time he is watching with us which... is the least surprising thing in all honesty. But ultimately it trickles down to being just me and Ryan as the last ones to go home. Which wasn't awkward at all - having to spend time with the guy who made a pass at me, got rejected and then resorted to being a homophobic ass which resulted in me headbutting him, very hard, in the face. Not my proudest moment. In fact I still feel incredibly shitty about it. However, on our third day as the only two people in this apartment before departing for winter, he decided to sit opposite me at the kitchen table and I felt the urge to lash out at him rise up very suddenly like a cobra waiting to strike. He puts his hands up in a gesture of surrender.

"Not looking for a rematch. Just wanna talk before I head off tomorrow. That okay?" he says and I narrow my eyes at him, becoming a big ball of suspicion but I nod, fully prepared to hit him again if I had to. But he does just sit, a beer half-drunk in his hand. He turns the bottle around and around in his hands. Given how often I do the same with my mug when I'm drinking tea, I'm guessing it's a nervous thing he does and doesn't really notice.

"So... you wanted to talk" I say. Not really a question but something needs to get this moving because I cannot be dealing with sitting in perpetual awkward silence while he organises his thoughts. Ryan sighs and I brace myself.

"I'm sorry. For hitting on you, hitting on Ali, being a dick to you both. I'm sorry."

Well, fuck. I didn't expect that.

"You already apologised" I reply with a very obvious look of confusion on my face.

"To you. But only because I was told to and I was being an ass so I didn't really mean it then."

"Gee, thanks" I spit out, thick with sarcasm. He is still an ass "and why should I believe you do mean it now?"

"That's... a fair reaction. I don't know, maybe you shouldn't but I genuinely do. I just... I don't know. Figured you would want to hear me say it and mean it like."

"Hmm. Okay, fair enough. Just don't expect me to forgive you instantly. You were a real piece of shit to us both."

"I know and... I know it's not an excuse or nothing like but I'm-" he falters on the next word like it gets stuck in his throat and I look at him quizzically like he might keel over at any moment. Instead he closes his eyes, takes a drink from his bottle and sighs before speaking again.

"I think I'm bi"

"Oh..." I can't really think of anything else to say. He looks at me a little dumbfounded.

"That it?"

"I mean... good for you? Congratulations? I really don't know what you were hoping for."

"I dunno like... I just wanted to say it to someone who might get it"

"Ryan, tha-" my turn to take a breath and control myself "I do get how big of a thing it is to come out. I know what it is like struggling to deal with what it means to not be straight. But that doesn't change the fact that you behaved like a complete dick and I have not forgiven you for that yet. I'm glad you found your label and found a way to be open about it with me but have you thought that maybe you should have come and talk to me like this before and maybe I would have been a little more receptive and willing to help?"