Table For Two

19 - Ali

I spent most of Friday just abjectly miserable and honestly... it is entirely my own fault. I don't know why it takes me so long to just deal with things like this. If someone tried picking on me or bullying me for who I am? That's on sight. No hesitation I will destroy a bitch but when it comes to someone liking me or anything to do with emotions and feelings? It's like I need to unravel the inner workings of the universe before actually arriving at a decision on what to do about or how I really feel. But this had the added complication that made me want to avoid doing anything about it;

I like Harvey. But I was happy-ish to just be friends and keep doing my thing.

But Harvey likes me.

And apparently wasn't going to say anything about it either.

This quandary is exactly why I don't go to the SU after my lesson on Friday. I'm not ready to see him. I still need time to think about things. Or at least that is what I tell myself. In reality... yeah, I know I'm cool with Harvey liking me and know that I like him. Which is why I've avoided him because I haven't really had much experience with this. One relationship that I had to keep a secret because the guy didn't want anyone to know followed by a bunch of hook ups and meaningless sex isn't a great foundation for being able to deal with liking someone as more than a friend and not wanting it to be just a hookup either.

I just go straight home instead. Mum is still asleep after getting back from a night shift at stupid o'clock this morning. Athena comes bounding up to me with her head cocked to the side as if to say "Um excuse me but what are you doing back this early?" but I immediately head to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and give her a treat so she reserves her judgement for later when I don't feed her stuff off my plate. The kettle is going and I kind of just zone out thinking about Harvey and this whole mess until a sleepy voice from behind me snaps me back to reality.

"If you're making then I'll have one too."

I kind of jump and quickly realise that I have been standing with an open cupboard door in one hand for... I don't know how long. I turn round and mum is standing, leaning against the kitchen door frame. She must have just woken up. She's wrapped in a fluffy, mint green dressing gown and the bottoms of her pyjamas are slightly too long and cover her feet. She looks incredibly tired. The shift must have really been hell.

"Yeah okay. Tea or coffee?"

"Tea, please."

"Comin' right up... rough shift?"

"We lost one last night. He was doing so well and then..."

I stop worrying about tea and immediately just go and hug mum. No wonder she doesn't look great. She probably cried herself to sleep last night. She puts so much blame on herself. I can feel her kind of deflate and hug me back. I think I hear a sob and just hug her tighter. I don't say anything. What is there to say in those moments? Nothing helpful, that's for sure. At some point, the kettle finishes boiling. Mum pulls back out of the hug and gives me one of her "I'll be okay but thank you" smiles and grabs the biscuit tin off the counter, taking it with her to the dinner table. I finish making our drinks and then sit opposite her. Athena comes and drops herself down by the back door, looking up at us.

"Thanks, love. You're back early today. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She doesn't respond. Just looks at me with a measured gaze and sips her drink. I sigh and look down at my mug, immediately thinking about Harvey making me tea that night and then everything else that followed...

"You know you can talk to me, Ali" mum says as she reaches a hand across the table to gently squeeze my forearm. She's right.

"There's a guy and I think I like him."