Table For Two

41 - Ali

 We don't say much as we complete the journey home. I'm not completely okay yet but I at least get some of it now. And kissing Harvey... I swear it's like an actual enchantment of some kind because at that moment I just felt perfect. We get back through the door practically shivering because we were out in the cold for so long. Athena comes up to greet us both, lumbering along as she usually does. Harvey even kneels down to scratch behind her ears and accepts the slobbering licks he gets in return which makes me giggle a little. We both go up to my room and change into comfier (and a lot fucking warmer) clothes. I even grab my old dressing gown out of the cupboard and throw it over my pyjamas. Harvey is in a pair of sweats and a hood with candy cane slipper socks on. I almost want to just throw myself at him, tackle him onto the bed and just lie there in a cuddle pile with him and Athena for hours.

Almost.

We head back downstairs and I see mum has scribbled on the note I left on the table for her.

Walked Athena quickly when I got back. Will be leaving early for work. Can you walk her in the morning. And grab some stuff from the shops? List is on fridge. Love you x

I flip the paper over and grab the pen by the fruit bowl and write an extra note for her before she leaves for work. I then notice that she must have grabbed a paper on the way to or from the hospital because it is left folded neatly in half and deliberately showing a blank crossword. I'm willing to bet she has already done the sudoku puzzles. I grab it as we head into the kitchen and make ourselves hot chocolate. While I stir the drinks and add extra marshmallows to both mugs, Harvey finds the dog treats and kneels down to give Athena a couple. Hard to believe that a few months ago, he could barely be anywhere near her. It makes me smile and I yawn. Holy shit, I am way more tired than I realised.

We retreat to the sofa and pull a blanket over our legs. I twist so I can face Harvey and tuck my left leg up underneath me as I settle against the back of the sofa. Harvey half turns towards me and gives me a half-smile. He knows that I'm about to ask him stuff he probably didn't want to get in the way of us but I need to know. I need to know for my own anxiety but also... because maybe it'll help me to break through his self-doubt a little? I take a deep sip of hot chocolate and chew on the few marshmallows I managed to get. Harvey does the same and I chuckle when he moves his mug away from his mouth and he has a full chocolate moustache. He blushes slightly as he wipes it away. I sigh and start what will undoubtedly be a difficult conversation.

"Right... so, just before we get into this, I love you. Okay?"

"I know. I love you too."

"So. Gods, I don't even know where I wanna start."

"Yeah... in fairness, there is a lot to cover."

"Do you get along with anyone in your family?"

Harvey pauses to consider this, his eyebrows knitting together the same way they do when I've watched him rewriting an essay and getting stuck on how best to turn a phrase. Yes, I watch my boyfriend when he is doing his coursework, it's allowed.

"Immediate family... not really. There's a couple of cousins who I get along with. And my aunt is great. To be honest, she'd be the one person I would be okay coming out to" he says.

"Huh. Okay. Well at least it's not everyone. So are your parents, like, openly homophobic?"

"Not in the way you're probably used to."

"So not the screaming slurs at my face and picketing Pride parade sort then."

"Definitely not."

"So if they aren't blatant about it then-"

"It's different. They're upper middle class. They wouldn't ever use slurs. At least not within hearing distance of anyone. Good example of what they are like; I had a couple of close friends in school. We were all a little bit geeky so we kind of stuck together. It was me, Jenny and Finn. Jenny came out to us both as lesbian. We were both fine with it. But somehow it got back to her parents even though none of us told. And then all the parents at the school knew. Suddenly my mum kept making a point about not wanting me to hang out with 'those sorts of people' and how 'unnatural' it was to ' behave like that'. Of course I kind of already knew I wasn't straight either but hearing her say that made me bury it."

I sit there and listen to him talk and I can feel that indignant burning rage starting to build in the pit of my stomach. Funnily enough, they didn't sound too far removed from some people I had encountered around Bath. Entitled assholery gets everywhere. I take a calming couple of breaths before asking anything else.

"Okay. She sounds absolutely awful. No offence."

"None taken."

"Is your dad as bad?"

"He... doesn't really say anything like that but if a gay couple is on the TV the channel will get changed. If he sees anyone he assumes is a guy wearing nail polish in town, he'll glare murderously at them. Things like that. I can't tell which I hate more."

"Why do I get the feeling your dad is the sort of guy who never talks about feelings and would probably insist he doesn't have pronouns?"

"Because he is exactly that guy," Harvey says with a mirthless laugh. He takes another sip of hot chocolate but manages not to give himself a moustache this time. Now for the really grim topic.

"And your sister?"

Harvey just about stops functioning for a few seconds and it's like he's reliving a nightmare while he's still awake. I feel dreadful for even asking but I need to figure this out. He puts his mug on the coffee table and brings his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, trying to make himself small. I hate seeing him like this. All I want to do is hug him and say forget it but this conversation needs to happen.

"She's the worst of them. Like my mum but dialled up to eleven. And always trying to find ways to make me feel miserable. I'd get an A on coursework and she'd make me feel like I'd failed. If I ever bit back at her comments, she'd hit me. If I defended myself, she would get me in trouble with mum and dad. She even got Jenny expelled just to make me feel lonely."

"She what?"

Harvey honestly looked like he was about to cry but there was a steel driving him and I wasn't about to interrupt.

"Finn moved away at the start of Year Ten. So that left me and Jenny. Even after her folks found out, we still hung around together in school. We were pretty much inseparable and my sister just hated seeing me have any form of happiness. She started bullying Jenny to the point where Jenny would lash out at her. And because my sister was little miss perfect to the teachers, it was always Jenny who got in trouble. Then one day, they got in a really bad fight. My sister started it. Calling her every slur under the sun and Jenny lost it. They both got taken to the Headmaster's office. My sister lied and said that Jenny had tried to kiss her and that she pushed her away when Jenny started getting violent. The headmaster sided with my sister and Jenny got expelled. I cried all night when I found out. And I hated my sister for what she did ever since."

"Fuck... Harvey, I'm so sorry. That's just..."

Harvey let out a shuddering breath as tears started to roll down his cheeks. I sighed and put my mug down before pulling him into me and holding him. I feel his hands grab feebly at the sleeve of my dressing gown as he just starts crying quietly.