I wanted him to be my first, but he wasn't. Well, in order to grow, I really needed that experience, though.
Masakit isipin kasi minahal ko naman si Calvin. Hindi naman ako napilitang sagutin siya dahil lang matagal niya na akong nililigawan. I guess it was meant to happen.
But I'm still hoping that it happened for a reason.
The reason I wanted it to be for.
We've shared experiences like no one before. He knew how my life went since he met me, until I left him.
I left for my own good, it was for my future. I was willing to communicate and stay as friends, but he was the one who cut our ties. I want to know why. Why did he have to waste our 7-year friendship?
"Renz, can you get my phone in my bag?" Inutusan ko siya dahil icha-chat ko si Cheska.
He opened my bag and stared at what's inside for a few seconds. I saw him smile. Kinuha niya ang payong na nasa loob ng bag ko at hinawakan ito.
"Saan 'to galing?" He has an amused look on his face.
"Uh," I tried to remember. "A guy gave it to me in BGC years ago... I didn't know who he was because I didn't see his face," I furrowed my eyebrows. "Why did you ask?"
He chuckled and then played with the umbrella. "You don't know who it was, huh?"
"Do you?" I asked.
***
"Mukhang uulan," sabi ko sa sarili nang makita ang mga ulap.
Gabi na at nandito ako sa pedestrian lane, hinihintay ang go sa pagtawid. Galing akong campus dahil may extra class kami ngayon at medyo ginabi ako. Si Cheska ay may ibang pinuntahan kaya naman ako lang mag-isa.
Maya-maya, naramdaman ko nang pumatak ang ulan sa ulo ko. Hindi rin nagtagal at umulan na talaga.
Dali-dali kong binuksan ang bag ko upang kunin ang payong, pero hindi ko pala nadala!
"Shit! Shit!" Nag-panic ako dahil wala akong masisilungan.
"Take this,"
May nagbigay sa akin ng payong at agad ko naman iyong tinanggap dahil kung hindi, tuluyan na akong mababasa.
"Wait!" Sinubukan kong tawagin ang lalaking nagbigay sa akin ng payong, pero naglakad na siya papalayo habang sinusuot ang hood niya. "Paano ko 'to ibabalik?" Tanong ko sa sarili.
Sinubukan kong alalahin ang itsura ng lalaki habang nasa elevator ako ng condo.
Matangkad siya, nakasuot siya ng dark blue Old Navy na jacket at naka-shorts. I can't remember his face, my memory was vague. I also have that same kind of jacket that he wore.
Tiningnan ko ang payong kung may pangalan, wala pero may initials! M.C. ang nakasulat. Wala naman akong kilalang M.C. ang initials!
"Paano ko kaya 'to ibabalik sa iyo, Kuya Mysterious?"
***
He looked at me straight in the eyes. "That was me."
"See?" Ipinakita niya sa akin ang faded initials na nakalagay sa payong. "M.C. It stands for Maverick Cabrera. And this was that Old Navy Jacket."
"Holy shit!" Napasabunot ako sa sarili ko. "Fuck you, you knew it was me?!"
"Yes. I wouldn't give my umbrella to some stranger. Lalo na at kailangan ko rin 'to noong mga panahong iyon." He chuckled. "Akala ko naman alam mo na ako iyon kasi nagkatinginan pa nga tayo."
"My memory was so vague! I remember what you were wearing but I don't remember your face! Kaya pala familiar 'yang hoodie na suot mo!"
He was wearing that Old Navy jacket that he wore that night. Kanina ko pa iniisip ko saan ko 'yan nakita, bukod sa mayroon din akong ganiyan.
"Itinago ko 'yang payong na 'yan dahil iniligtas ako niyan sa ulan maraming beses na. Sa mga oras na alam kong nakalimutan ko ang payong ko, lagi pala 'yan nasa bag ko." Napatawa ako. "Ikaw pala si M.C., ah."
Natawa din siya at umupo sa tabi ko. Sana pag-usapan na namin ang lahat ng nangyari sa amin. Hindi ko kasi talaga alam kung bakit niya nagawa iyon.
"I want to talk about something," I started. "I want to talk about us. About what happened noong umalis ako... Bakit hindi mo na ako kinausap?"
He seemes stunned by my question kasi napatulala lang siya habang nakayuko.
"Bakit ka umalis sa tabi ko? Bakit ka nawala?" sabi ko. Naluluha na ako at paiyak na ang boses ko.
"Trust me, it was all for your own good," sabi niya. "Everything I did, I did for a reason."
"Then tell me your reason." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya.
"I don't think I can... because it's not valid."
"I deserve to know."
He sighed heavily and held my hand.
"After you graduated college and left for law school, you and Calvin got official, right?" Tumango ako. "I saw your posts and you looked happy. Nakakalungkot lang kasi alam kong hindi na ako 'yung nagpapasaya sa'yo ng ganoon. In-unfollow kita kasi hindi ko na natitiis na makita kayong dalawang magkasama. Napaisip ako, 'ganiyan din naman kami dati, ah', 'bakit sa iba na siya ganyan?'. Ganoon mga naiisip ko dati. Ang bobo ko lang kasi hindi ko rin alam kung bakit 'di na kita kinausap. Alam ko rin kasing nangako akong hindi ako aalis sa tabi mo at lagi lang akong nandito. Pero, ang hirap babaan ng pride ko, e. Na matapos kong 'di magparamdam sa'yo ng isang taon ay kakausapin ulit kita," sabi niya. "I gave you space... that was my mistake. Too much space, to the point that I can't reach you anymore. I also thought that you were busy with school, or maybe I was just being a bother. Factor din 'yong may-karelasyon ka na. Siyempre, nakasanayan kong lagi akong nakadikit sa'yo at lagi kang kasama. Alangan namang may boyfriend ka na, pero naka-siksik pa rin ako sa'yo," he chuckled slightly. "I'm sorry. I know what I did was wrong, invalid, and unreasonable. I made a promise, yet I broke it. It's just that you had your life in your hands. You weren't a kid anymore. You weren't Adi, instead you became Adelaide."
Naninibago ako dahil sa mga ganitong pag-uusap ay sa puntong ito ay naiyak o naluha na siya dapat, pero hindi, e. May lungkot sa mga sinasabi niya, pero hindi siya naluha. Ramdam ko din ang pagsisisi.
"I even tried dating other women to divert my attention. I tried to forget you. I tried to forget that I loved you. But, seeing you now, as an adult, not that kid I knew and loved as a sister before, makes me regret trying to forget you. I don't see you as a friend or a sister anymore. You're always more than that. I always factored in our age gap, but why does it feel like it's not a problem anymore? Bakit parang hindi ko na nararamdamang mas bata ka sa 'kin ng walong taon."
"We both have the same thinking capacity at our age. You're too immature still, and I'm too mature. I'm 25, but I feel like I'm 30 or so, and you're 33 and you still feel like you're 25. Right?" Sabi ko.
"Exactly. It doesn't matter anymore because we're adults. Back to the topic, it was never my intention to hurt you. Naisip ko din na may iba ka nang kaaliwan kaya malilimutan mo na rin ako."
"Hindi, 'no. Paano kita makakalimutan, eh crush kita ng halos pitong taon. I really needed you that time. I needed someone who would bring me ice cream if I'm stressed, carry me to the bed if I fall asleep on the couch, and also cook delicious kare-kare for me. Calvin used to do that, but ever since we broke up, life became harder and that's when I needed all of those most. And you weren't there." I also tried not to cry to keep this conversation calm.
"At least now, we're back into each other's arms again."
"Our gravity pulled us back together again. From so much space, and back to each other."
"We're like magnets."
Just like what my Dad said,
It will just take time then you'll both be pulled by your own gravity.
*****
BINABASA MO ANG
He Was My Umbrella
RomanceAdi, a jolly, enthusiastic, and smart girl. She moved into her dad's hometown when her parents separated. Little did she know that there's a quiet, Mr. Suplado but nice, and good-looking Renzo that will welcome her in a subdivision that she isn't fa...
