He Was My Umbrella

55

I have written a few songs way back when I was still in law school and..... heartbroken? Was I really?

I certainly did not write those songs for Calvin, of course. I would never. They were all about Renzo, me, and my current state in life.

Music has always been a part of my life ever since. My Lolo taught me how to play the ukulele when I was 5, and then taught me to play the guitar at 7, then taught me how to play the piano at 9. Since then, music has made its way into my life until now.

"You have a really nice first name, you know, Mackenzie?" sabi ko kay Rai.

"Yeah, I like Mackenzie, too. But, I want the people close to me to call me Raine. You know what they say about the second name-basis?" she slightly chuckled. "They said that if a person calls you by your second name even if you introduced yourself with your first name, and you have no objections about that person calling you that name, then you're comfortable with them." Raine giggled. "But of course, the ones who call me Rai are more special..... And the one who calls me Ra-Rai until now is the most special."

Ra-Rai.

Talking with Rai with a very sentimental topic made me pick up that acoustic guitar beside me and play Never Grow Up.

"Your little hand's wrapped around my finger and it's so quiet in the world tonight," I sang.

"Ate! That song!"

She sang with me until the end of song. Raine was even teary-eyed while singing. She know how much her Kuya loves her until now. Renzo loves Rai more than any woman in the world. Except Tita Sally, of course. He'll love his sisters more than his wife..... I think.

"Minsan naiinis lang talaga ako kay Kuya kapag batang munti pa rin ang tingin niya sa akin. I'm 23, Ate! Ang tanda ko na, pero he's the one who acts like 23 kasi sobrang immature niya for his age," sabi niya.

Totoo naman, hindi kapani-paniwala ang edad ni Renzo, sa itsura man o sa ugali.

"Atty. Claire, wala na ba talagang chance?"

"Na ano?" tanong ko pabalik.

"Kayo ni Kuya," she tilted her head. "Wala na ba talagang laman 'yan?" Itinuro niya ang kaliwang parte ng dibdib ko.

"Hindi ko sigurado, Kenzie, e. Alam mo namang matagal kong gusto ang Kuya mo, pero dahil kasi sa nangyari, parang ang hirap bumalik sa ganoong state," I sighed. "And to answer your question, yes, may laman pa, at may chance pa. Pero..... ayoko na."

"I guess you've really had enough, huh?"

"Ang bigat kasi ng impact niya, e. Ang sakit ng pag-iwan, kasi kinailangan ko siya. I can't put it into words. Alam mo naman 'pag may bagay na tumataas, at 'pag bumagsak 'yon, mas malaki ang impact. Ganoon kasi ang nangyari sa amin. Dahil pinataas namin masyado, o sa ibang salita, nasanay ako na nandiyan siya palagi. Kaya, mas masakit noong nang-iwan siya."

"Gago ni Kuya, no offense. Naiinis ako. Bakit niya napiling gawin 'yon?" Naiinis na sabi ni Rai. "I actually hated him back then. You know, in his super red flag era before Adel."

"Factor din 'yung separation anxiety ko, e. Ever since my Mom left us, and we left the house, it was hard to adjust. Hirap kaya noon kasi siyempre doon na ako lumaki, e," I was getting teary-eyed. "I just hate the feeling of detaching from someone so suddenly without knowing the reason why."

"Kuya has his reasons naman. Ang mali niya lang is hindi niya 'yon ibinahagi sa 'yo. I understand, Kuya and his reasons. Ayaw niya lang makagulo sa 'yo. Kahit naman ngayon, alam kong gusto ka pa rin noon, nahihiya lang dahil sa ginawa niya sa 'yo."

Mga 7 PM ko nang naisipan umuwi at naka-kain na rin ako ng dinner sa kanila. Ihahatid ako ni Kuya dahil nga wala pa akong kotse.

"How will you go to work, then? I mean for the mean time that hindi pa naibabalik ang kotse mo," tanong ni Kuya.

Pauwi na ako at ihahatid niya ako, nag aayos lang ako ng gamit.

"Uh, I actually don't know..."

He just chuckled and went outside. I said my goodbyes to them and kissed Lunay-nay on the cheeks.

"If you want, pwede kang sumabay sa akin. Kapag pupunta ako sa office, dadaanan kita. Nadadaanan ko naman ang firm mo bago ako makarating ng office, ibababa na lang kita," he shrugged.

"Sure,"

Bakit ako pumayag?! Shit, ang rupok! Ayoko na! Ayoko! Ayoko na talaga! Pero sige pala.

"I'm so sorry, Adi."

"For what?"

"For everything I've done to you. I regret all of them, I was stupid. I only cared about my own feelings and I never looked at yours. Akala ko kasi mas magiging masaya ka kasi mayroon ka namang Calvin na nandiyan and he seemed to love you. Kaya, naging panatag ako na hindi mo ako ka-kailanganin. Hindi pala. I should've kept in touch but distant, rather than ghosting you. I admit, I was very selfish. Ang gago ko. Ang bobo ko, ang tanga ko, napaka gago ko." Tumigil kami sa harap ng bahay. "I apologize for all of it, Adelaide."

I looked at him, not knowing what to say. I didn't know how to respond.

"Matagal na naman na kitang pinatawad. You had your reasons, you just wanted the best for me. Yes, you were selfish, but you knew the consequences to your actions. I forgive you." Napatingin siya sa akin.

Napatingin din ako sa kaniya at pinagmasdan siya habang nag-iisip ng susunod na sasabihin.

"But, I am sorry, we will never be the same again, and you can never bring back the old us..... Ever."

That's what I said before I went out of his car and went inside the house. Hindi siya agad umalis kasi pag-akyat ko sa kwarto, saka pa lang umalis ang kotse niya.

Everything said needed to be said. Hindi ako tanga para maging ganoon ulit sa taong nanakit sa akin. Wala nang rason para maging katulad kami ng dati. Para saan pa? Para masanay na naman akong nandiyan siya tapos iiwan niya na naman ako?

Hindi ko tinapos ang tinapos ko para lang mapaglaruang muli.

.....