He Was My Umbrella

60

"I swear." Dagdag niya pa.

I just looked at him plainly, with no emotion. I didn't know how to respond. I was definitely in shock, and I didn't know what to say. What he said hit me hard. There was a reason why BTD was my favorite song.... also the song who hurt me most. Because that song describes us... when we left each other.... that one December.

"You should've been my lover since. I don't know why I liked Calvin. When we got in a relationship, we were never really functional. Even if I already have a boyfriend, I was always seeking for your attention. You filled all the gaps in my life. I just fucking hate you." Sabi ko. "Ang gago mo, e. Wala naman akong ginawa sa 'yo, pero ano ang ginawa mo? Hindi ka nagparamdam, inuna mo ang sarili mo. Well, I already forgave you naman na. Naglalabas lang talaga ako ng hinanakit," I chuckled.

"That's why I'll love you right this time. If it wasn't that obvious, I confessed my feelings for you at the garden on your 18th birthday." Sabi niya.

***

"I don't know how to say this but, let me start with an I love you. May it be platonic or not. You made me realize so many things, I can barely count all of them. I know that you're the one who tried being close to me, but I kinda wish it was me who tried. I didn't realize what I didn't have before you came into my life. You were just a kid, and I was 21. You were just a teen, and I was 23. But now, you're an adult, and I am too. It's your time to do what you want in your own will, your own decision."

I closed my eyes and just listened to his voice while he was hugging me and swaying me at the same time.

"I know that I hurt you a lot of times, you just don't realize that I did because you're too blinded because you liked me. Sana alam mong mahal kita. Sana 'wag mong isiping pinapaasa lang kita, o kaya ginagawa ko 'to para lang sumaya ka. At masakit din para sa akin na baka iniisip mong hindi kita pinagtutuonan ng pansin. Akala mo lang 'yon. Lagi kang nasa isip ko. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ako kasaya noong nakilala kita. Sana alam mo kung gaano mo ako nabago. Naiisip ko rin minsan na ang dami kong nagawang bond with some people and you were the bridge. Tingin mo ba, kami ni Ate, close kami niyan? Hindi kaya. Pero nag-start kaming mag-usap ng madalas simula noong nakilala ka namin. At isa iyon sa mga pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko. I was always seeking for my Ate's love and attention, and I attained that because you were the bridge." Sabi niya. "It breaks my heart to see you crying. Kung alam mo lang, how much it hurt me to see you screaming in the car when you saw your mom. And how much it hurt me to see your bloodshot eyes and I couldn't do anything. The thing I could do was hug you but it definitely did not take the pain away. That's why I try to be your umbrella kapag inuulan ka na ng problema. Gusto kitang damayan, kasi it sucks that you have to go through all of that ng ikaw lang. Madaming beses ko na ring naisip na baka ako na ang nakakasakit sa 'yo. Feeling ko kasi tina-try mo nang mawalan ng feelings sa akin pero 'di mo magawa. Kung pwede lang na layuan kita at tratuhin na parang wala ka lang sa 'kin para mawala na ang nararamdaman mo sa 'kin, pero hindi kita kayang saktan. Sana alam mo 'yan. Kung pwede lang iwan kita ng walang pasabi para lang magtampo ka sa 'kin at mag-try nang maghanap ng iba." He sniffled. "Alam kong kahit gusto mo, uunahin mo pa rin ang pag-aaral kaysa pag-ibig. Pero alalahanin mong maghihintay ako. Pero naisip ko rin na parang ang selfish naman noon. Malamang sa malamang iba na ang gusto mo. I was just your typical teenage love, aren't I? I know that. But, if the time comes, and we're REALLY not meant to be, just know that I'll always be here. No matter what. Whatever it takes. I'll always be your Kuya Renzo, Adi. Kuya is always here, Adelaide ko." He hugged me tighter. "Love me even if it is to fill the spaces. Love me, even if I know your heart was never mine. Just take your time. I'll always have space for you. I'll never get over you. Kuya loves you with all his heart, Adelaide ko."

***

"That was a confession?" Tanong ko. "Sabi mo kasi 'may it be platonic or what', e. 'Di mo rin naman sinabing gusto mo ako." Inirapan ko siya.