Dr.Indecisive (Ft.YUNGBLUD)

Chapter 32

It's been about a week since I reconnected with my mom, and it's been amazing.

The twins are almost completely off breastfeeding so that's a mega bonus. They started to eat baby food more which is also amazing.

We have started wedding planning finally, but most importantly . . . Today is music video filming day!

This song is about the homophobia and abuse we received from our father growing up. I convinced my mom to be in the music video and we hired someone else to play my father.

River and I are dressed in 'normal clothes' for it because this is based off of the period of time before we dressed in our black clothes and graphic band t-shirts and massive decked out combat boots. I'm wearing a plaid skirt and a white button up blouse with a tie that mocks my school uniform I used to have to wear because I attended a private school. River is wearing shorts and a colorful band t-shirt because he went to a public public school rather than a private school because he was expelled for speaking what was on his mind all the time.

I wear very little makeup and he wears eyeliner because he always has wore eyeliner, it was the classic River look.

We are filming in our childhood home before my mom sells it. Just being in here is a massive punch in the face because I haven't been here since the last time my dad touched me.

They start off with filming clips of my mom arguing with the man playing my dad. Then we film me 'coming home from school' and my 'dad' following me into my bedroom. We argue and then he puts his hands on my wrists and pushes me against the wall and onto the bed. The entire time my kicking and screaming is so real . . . Because it is. It triggered a panic attack. I warned everyone it would trigger one and they checked with me a million times before they realized how important this one scene was to me.

After the scene the guy playing my dad comforts me for a few minutes and then River comes over and continues to comfort me.

I look at River with my hands shaking and tears streaming down my face. River has to hold my wrists to prevent me from punching anything or anyone.

"Sis, it's not real. You know it wasn't real, that man isn't dad. Ray is dead. Dead and gone. He'll never hurt you ever again." He says to me in a calm voice.

"I-I know it just- it- it felt so real an-and I knew it would and that's sc-scarier" I say and make a sob noise.
Once he knows I'm out of the punching rage he pulls me in for a hug and sits at the edge of the bed.

They decide to film this part incase we decide to use it. River was there for me throughout my fathers abuse. Once he was old enough to understand I told him everything, from then on he was there for me after ever single event that took place. After I left the house my dad did it to River but it wasn't the same so he stopped and did it to me every single chance he got.

Once I'm calmed down I fix my makeup and we start filming again. We film a clip where it seemed like I was going off to college and then we started filming Rivers scenes.

River insisted that they do a scene where him and 'dad' were arguing then start fighting physically. Then we film a clip where River has fake black eye and he is running his fingers over it and winces in pain while looking at himself in a mirror. Then he takes his shirt off and we have more fake bruises on his back.

River got more of the visible marks from the abuse then I did. But because of my father I have damage in my vaginal canal. My walls don't automatically tighten so I have to do in manually, and it sucks. The little things remind you most about all the shit that takes place in your past.

We film me walking into the bathroom in pajamas to 'clean him off'.

We film more clips of us arguing with our parents and then wrap up the house shoot.