Maturing in Love by Rhizome Olivia Quondam

The Myth of Allowing Someone to Hurt You

What is "allowing someone to do something" to you? Did you tell them to hurt you? No. Did you ask them to hurt you? No. Did you have any control over what they say or do afterwards? No. Is someone else's determination to hurt you your fault? No. It's not something that you're doing; it's something that's being done to you.

Did they beg for for a second chance for the nth time, and you gave them that? Yes. Did ypu ask them to stop hurting you? Yes.

Did they squander the nth second chance that you gave them? Yes. Did they promise to change, that they finally saw the error of their ways, but then foreswore? Yes. Did they choose not to change themselves into a better person? Yes.

So, how is what they chose to do your fault? You have no control over anyone else but yourself. All you can do is either choose to trust someone or choose to cut your losses. Stop blaming the victim. The victim allowed the person that hurt the the opportunity to change. The person that hurt them decided to hurt them again, instead of changing. You are only responsible for the decisions that you make.

Mercy and forgiveness are never the problem. The exploitation of mercy and forgiveness is always the problem. You're supposed to be able to be merciful. You're supposed to be able to forgive someone. They're not supposed to take advantage of your mercy and forgiveness. The problem is the troublemaker, not the peacemaker.

You don't allow someone to hurt you; you may just hope for the promised change, instead of protecting yourself from their decisive pattern of hurtfulness. It's not your fault that someone has decided to be untrustworthy. It's their decision and their fault, because they lack self-control. Their betrayal is the problem.