let the light in | jack hughes

Chapter 16

tw: grief, depression, & death

[December 18, 2022]

Beatrice

I've been sitting in my room, forcing myself to deal with everything without alcohol. I feel the pain pang in my chest and let it run its course. I hunch over the toilet, throwing up all the hurt I've been feeling then rinse my mouth out waiting for the next round of this. I sit on the edge of my bed staring at the wall, trying to come to terms with what tomorrow means for me. 

Around 8 pm, I hear a knock on my door. I get up to answer it and see Nico with his usual bright smile. It quickly dims when he takes a good look at me. "Woah, are you alright?" he asks, furrowing his brows, and squinting his eyes a bit. "Yeah, I think I have a stomach bug, and I'm feeling super sick. I haven't stopped puking." I tell him, feeling bad for lying. 

"Do you need anything? I can go to the store and grab something for you if you'd like. We're leaving in like an hour or so," He says, going into protective older brother mode. "N-no I'm alright I just have to let it pass," I tell him, feeling the urge to puke again. I leave the door open, running to the restroom to puke but when I walk back to the door he's gone and the door is closed. 

Half an hour later another knock on my door pulls me out of my thoughts. I open it to once again see Nico, but this time he has a bag of things. Each thing in the bag is a type of medicine or something that might help 'settle my stomach'. I give him a soft smile, grateful for the bond I have with him. "Thank you, Nic," I say genuinely. I take the bag from him as I wheel my luggage out of the room. I put on some sunglasses trying to avoid all the bright lights. 

Once we get on the plane, Dougie does a full double-take when he sees me. "Jesus, did you get run over, brought back to life, curb stomped, hit by a-" Nico cuts him off, "She gets it," He says and I rub my eyes, heading to the back of the plane so I can sleep. I take the very corner, closing my eyes when I feel a presence make its way next to me. 

"How are we having completely different hangovers?" he says I open my eyes to see Jack who looks like he isn't hungover. "I don't know," I shrug, not wanting to tell him that it's not the alcohol making me sick. 

-

I sort of wake myself up as the plane lands, and the pit in my stomach builds up into something so dreadful and painful I feel like I could get sick again. My hands start shaking and my breathing gets faster. The faster my breathing gets, a frown takes over my face. No, I'm not ready to be alone yet. I can't, I can't do it. I bite my lip to stop the frown from forming. 

I wipe my eyes without anyone noticing and pop my knuckles. I get off the plane, thanking Nico one more time for all the medicine before getting in my car. I turn the key in the slot, listening to the car engine before flicking my eyes over to the clock. 11:48 pm.

I take a deep breath, white-knuckling the steering wheel before pressing on the gas and pulling out of the parking lot. I don't put on any music, I'm scared to breathe. I'm scared that once I start breathing I'll become more aware of it and overwhelm myself. As I drive home I look at the clock trying to see how much time has passed. 11:50 

I let out a shaky breath, not liking how fast time is going by. It's not fair. 

By the time I get home, I check my phone before getting out. 

[December 19, 2022]

12:00 AM 

Fuck, fuck, fuck.