let the light in | jack hughes

Chapter 52

[September 7, 2023]

Jack

journal entry 

I finally saw Bea at work and wow she's so much prettier in person. She's all tan from her summer in Greece, and she has freckles all over. Her hair has gotten longer and something about the way she is presenting herself gives off the impression that she's sure of herself. She looks confident and it's hot. When I finally built up the courage to talk to her I was sweating bullets. 

I was rehearsing my speech in my head, trying to figure out what sounded better and genuine. She said she was in a hurry but forgave me and that's what matters. She said she forgives me and it makes every day I spent in therapy or taking my meds or even writing in my journal worth it. Forgiveness was an easy step forward, what won't be as easy, is asking her to take me back. 

Especially since she went on a date with this stupid guy. I'm still on her spam account and I saw her soft-launching photos of the guy and I am not pleased. But I will play the long game, I'm going to be there and it is going to be annoying. I just need her to know I am here to stay and I don't care who this other guy is, fuck him! I'm team Jack. 

But before I get to trying to win Bea over there is someone I have to apologize to. Nico. The way we left the season makes me sick because he trusted me to some level with his best friend and I threw that out the window. I put him in a really uncomfortable situation and he deserves an apology so we can focus on making it to playoffs this season.

Nico might not be too happy that I'm going to try to win her back but Beatrice deserves someone who is going to try every day to be deserving of her time and energy. And that's me. I didn't wish upon thousands of stars just to stand around like an idiot making the same mistakes. I'm not going down without a fight. I can promise her that. 

I have the stupidest feeling in my stomach every time I see her and the moon shines a little brighter when I'm thinking about her. I feel like there's a tiny thread tying me to her, because how do my eyes find her when she walks into a room? It's not like there's a bell on her or I have an alarm that goes off in my head when she's around. I'm just drawn to her and I know when she's around without knowing it. I'll be on the ice and out of nowhere my stomach will start hurting then I'll look around and see her. 

There's a secret little force pushing us together. 

But now it's my turn to pursue it and grovel for her time and attention. 

-

I close my journal, putting it into one of the drawers on my desk. I look down at the black cat sleeping on my gym bag, waking him up when I get out of my chair. "Sorry bud, do you want food?" I ask, watching his ear move when I say the magic word. I open my bedroom door, grabbing his food, pouring it into his Batman bowl. I take his Robin bowl and put some water in it, leaving him to get ready for practice.

I wait for Luke to leave his room all ready for practice, rubbing his eyes not used to having to wake up this early. His body is still on summer time, and I don't blame him, I'm not too fond of waking up earlier just to write but it really does help. I feel a lot less emotionally overwhelmed when I can write in the mornings.

I also don't have in-person therapy anymore, everything is on a video call and it sucks. I prefer being in the room with Dr. Graham, it feels more personal and I feel better knowing I'm not just talking to a screen. She told me she could refer me to someone in New Jersey but I don't want that either. She knows me, I feel comfortable with her, and I don't want to start over with someone else.