let the light in | jack hughes

Chapter 42

[June 4, 2023]

Jack

"Jack, honey," my mom wakes me up, softly nudging me back and forth in my bed from my teen years. I take a deep breath in, rubbing my eyes, looking up at her as I get ready to hear what she's about to say. "You got to get up soon, you have therapy," she reminds me. I look at the clock on my nightstand and jump out of bed realizing I forgot to set my alarm. 

She tells me she'll have breakfast downstairs, as she walks out and closes the door behind her. So a few things have changed since my birthday. I agreed to go to therapy, I thought it through and came to the conclusion that I really need this. I only push myself into a rabbit hole of grief when I'm around myself, and that's also why I decided to stay with my parents for a few days. 

It's nice to have some stability with my parents around. Life has been feeling like a never-ending loop. Like a hamster in a wheel, I'm not moving forward in any way shape, or form. I've been so stuck in my own emptiness I'm not sure what to do. And with Mom, we have a routine, as simple as it is it really helps. Being stuck in the boys' house was spontaneous, and usually that's amazing but not when I can barely pull myself out of bed. 

It's not just losing Beatrice that has sent me into a depressive episode, I have so much wrong with me, and I want to figure out how to work through all of it so that living doesn't feel like an everyday battle. I didn't realize how much I was juggling until my first few session. I always brushed off any feeling I felt and couldn't recognize but according to Dr. Graham, it's depression, anxiety, and a fear of losing control. 

I put on some jeans and a long sleeve, heading downstairs to eat some breakfast with my Mom. She hands me the newspaper as we sip our coffee and eat the muffins we baked yesterday. "Fourteen letter word for expression of lost love lamentation," I say out loud unsure of what it could be. This is a part of our routine, working on the newspaper's crossword puzzle. We figure the whole puzzle out just in time for me to leave for my appointment.

I drive down to her office with the windows down, already feeling a little anxious for this appointment. After parking the car I take a few deep breaths before walking in and telling the receptionist I'm here to see Dr. Graham. She gives me a soft smile, letting me know she'll come get me in a second, and I'm welcome to sit until she does. 

The door swings open and there she is, never making me wait. She gives me a big smile, walking me into her office before closing her door. I rub my hands on my jeans still really nervous about letting my feelings out and letting someone in. "You're nervous today," she chuckles, taking a seat in front of me. I nod my head, confirming what she said, "Yeah, I thought about what we talked about last session," I tell her as she tilts her head to the side, raising her eyebrows. 

"And what do you think?" she says softly, in her therapist voice. "I'm interested, I think it could help along with continuing therapy," I say, telling her I'm interested in taking medication. She smiles, glad to hear that I'm actively taking more and more steps to get better. She gets our tea out and tells me to start whenever I feel ready. When I feel stuck she gives me a prompt.

"How are you feeling about your friend Trevor, I know the last time we talked you were very angry," she scrunches her nose, holding her tea in between her hands. "Oh, I'm still upset obviously. When I found out they were together and he lied I just felt a bit betrayed but also they don't owe me anything. I was the coward. They don't know how I feel," I tell her,