let the light in | jack hughes

Chapter 59

[November 15, 2023]

Jack 

I get up out of bed to get ready for practice a little later than I usually do, today I didn't have enough energy to get up out of bed and write and that's because I ran out of my prescription. I'm supposed to be getting my next bottle in a few days because the pharmacy messed some things up. So I'm not sure if it's just me being off my meds or if I'm just having a bad day but I really don't feel good. I want to stay in bed and forget about all my responsibilities.

But I obviously can't, so I get ready as fast as I can grabbing a bottle of water and a banana before leaving the house with Luke behind me. On the drive there Luke keeps side-eyeing me unsure of how to act or even breathe around me. He doesn't say anything and neither do I but when he plays, 'Salt In the Wound' by Boygenius it makes me appreciate him for noticing all the little things that make my day brighter. 

"This shit is good, when are they coming back to New Jersey?" Luke says as the song ends, and I shrug my shoulders, making him look online for any future dates that they'll be here. He plays a few more songs, before 'Kyoto' comes on, one of my favorite Phoebe Bridgers songs. Once we get to the rink, I park my car close to the door, just wanting to get practice out of the way and go home immediately. 

I put my beanie on, getting out of the car, and walk up to the door quietly. God, I hate how quiet I'm being today. I hate feeling like this, I just want to be in a fun and laughing mood. Once we get to the locker rooms, I sit right next to Nico, putting on all my gear in silence. "Hey, are you alright?" Nico asks, reading my mood like the good friend that he is. "Honestly, no, but I'll be okay," I say, thanking him for checking up on me. 

I grab my helmet, leaving the room with Luke and John. On our way to the ice, I see Beatrice wearing some cute jeans, her red Converse, and a red sweater with a knit Devils logo on it. I really like it and I wish I had the energy to tell her that but instead, I walk right past her giving her the biggest smile I can conjure up at the moment. And even then it's a soft smile. 

The boys say good morning, patting her on the head as we pass by. What a world I'm living in, one where I can't even get myself to tell her she looks beautiful, and call her some stupid pet name. This sucks. 

I get on the ice, skating around to warm myself up, getting that funny feeling again but shaking it off because I don't want to give her half my energy. We run through a few drills, getting a good practice in. But once we get off the ice my head starts pounding probably because of how little I ate this morning, but the feeling makes my whole body throb. 

I pull my helmet and gloves off, rubbing the sides of my head as if my fingers could push away my headache. Once again I pass by Beatrice, and this time I try giving her a compliment along with another soft smile. "You look pretty," I say, returning my eyes down to the ground because the light above us is making the pain worse. "Thanks," she says, in a different tone before walking away. 

-

My headache has gone away since I ate a big meal at Penny's. She made Luke and me a big breakfast, talking to us when she wasn't busy. I ask her to tell me another story about her late husband, Ronnie, and she tells it with a loving glow all over her face. I can't wait until I can tell stories like that. All I have right now is me fawning over her and her ignoring me, but it's okay I love those stories all the same. 

On the way home I start thinking about how long it's been since I had a drink and ask Luke if he'd like to go out with me tonight and get drinks. "Ugh, sorry bud I'm going out with some girl tonight," he says, patting my shoulder, feeling bad for rejecting me but I tell him it's fine. I'm still going to go out and enjoy my drink even if it's by myself. I deserve it, I've been doing so good being this new version of myself, and I want to congratulate myself.