let the light in | jack hughes

Chapter 40

[May 14, 2023]

Jack

I've been awake for hours, I lay on my side every morning since I pushed her away and think about the words I let leave my mouth. "I'll never pick you like you want me to," It haunts me, and I don't know why I said something so far from what I mean. I would pick her, over and over again, I'm just so fucking scared. How can I tell her without letting her in? I would do anything to go back in time and take my words back. The words I didn't mean, but said for the best. 

I'm interrupted from my self-pitying by loud footsteps up the stairs. I close my eyes, pretending to be asleep hoping they'll give me a few more hours if they notice how tired I look, but I doubt it. They walk in tiptoeing, contradicting the 'fee-fi-fo-fum' footsteps I heard on the other side of my door. They argue in whispers, debating on who should wake me up. When they get quiet, I realized they'd come to a decision. 

"Rise and shine, Rowdy!" my older brother Quinn says, shaking me until I "wake" up, I groan the way I have been every single time someone wakes me up. I just wish I could sleep all day and ignore everyone, but today's my 24th birthday, so it's nearly impossible to ignore anyone when the day is about me. I rub my eyes, looking up at Quinn, begging him to stop shaking me. 

When I finally get up I go downstairs to see that the boys made me pancakes with two candles on top. Well, most of the boys, Trevor's stuck in Boston, and can't come to Michigan until the beginning of June. I blow out my candles after being sung the worst rendition of Happy Birthday. I'm not sure how you fuck up the song Happy Birthday but if anyone was going to do it, it'd be this group of guys.

"What'd you wish for?" Quinn asks, bringing a fork out for me to eat my breakfast as I pluck the candles out. A second chance. "Can't say or it won't come true," I shake my head, taking the fork from his hands and digging in. And Quinn I really hope my wish comes true, I feel like I'm going through withdrawals, or having the worst hangover of my life. I never felt like this when I was pushing her away during the season but that's probably because I knew I still had her. 

Now I don't, and it's awful. I made a big, big mistake and I'm making it everyone's problem. The day after everything happened I snapped at Luke and he grabbed Bruce telling him, "His daddy was on his period," I stormed off to my room just wanting for us to be back at it again. We always pulled apart and then came back at full speed. Was she really waiting around for me to be ready?

What a gem. And I lost her, I remind myself. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

I pick Bruce up putting him on my lap, trying to distract my body from thoughts that start and end with Beatrice Jae. "Want to go boating today?" Coley ask and as if he heard my prayers I say yes, finishing my breakfast before getting ready for the boat and getting drunk.

-

We got back a few hours ago, just chilling when the boys went outside to start grilling my birthday dinner, I take this time to stalk. I try not to do it often because it usually hurts to see her so happy. How she should've been when she was here. I scroll through her main account first and see a cute photo of her sitting at a table with a book in her hand. I swipe to see a selfie, some stairs, and the last one makes me furrow my brows in confusion and a bit of hope. Hope that Trevor didn't lie and is actually with her in Italy with Devon and Jamie. 

I go to her comment section reading her caption and Trevor's comment in response to it. A ball of worry and nausea drops into the pit of my stomach. I could puke, this hurts, but I continue. I see some gorgeous bikini pics of her that make my mouth water and my heart ache. I had that, and I was fucking stupid and cowardly.