lucke's Conflicts

Chapter 27 : Memories

matheus narrating

I have few memories of my early childhood, most are vague. One of the oldest memories that comes to mind is my parents playing with my brother while I start to cry.

My mother says — Go get him, he's your son.

My dad doesn't seem to like what he hears and tells her something along the lines of — How am I going to be sure he's my son?

She lowers her head as she places the bottle in my brother's mouth.

I'll hold him, go take care of Barone for me.

My mother takes me by the arms and starts to sing me something to sleep. I remember hearing them argue, saying something along the lines of “How can I manage without your help?” or “How am I going to be sure that this child is my child, explain to me? He is not, and will never be my son!”

The memories of not being accepted into my father's family are vague and painful. People question whether or not I'm his son. I always noticed that wolves were affectionate with their children, except my father. I did everything to get his attention.

All I wanted was a little affection, and to be a wolf like him. There are no hyenas in his family, and as for my mother's family, I have no idea. Every time I ask about her whereabouts or her family, my dad dodges the question and changes the subject.

I got to suspect that I was adopted or something, or that my mother didn't care about me, or her own family didn't want to meet me. What does my father hide in that room? Where does he get so much money? Why are there pictures he's never shown me before?

He seems to be very happy now, he got what he wanted so much, a wolf child like him. But why right now does he want to make up with me? Just now I started to question him. Is this just a front for what he's hiding?

There were three names written down in that notebook, and all those three names were of people who were murdered and couldn't find the culprit.

My father always insisted that he came from an honest traditional family and was proud to be a wolf.

Would some other animal in the family deconstruct the image he was trying to convey?

If the family is honest, where does so much money come from? And why doesn't he like to talk about his father? Or my mother's grandfather?

I vaguely remember the parties he went to, most of the animals there were wolves. When I appeared with him, they kept questioning whether I was a jackal or a fox, everyone kept looking at me strangely. Maybe that's why he doesn't like hanging out with me so much or taking pictures, but with Barone it's different.

Once he was a little drunk and claimed that I was his son, he recognized it by the eyes and said that I looked like his father

when he was a child. It kind of messed with my mind since I was or looked like a hyena, and he claimed his father was a wolf, which made me even more screwed up. Another time, as we were walking through the night, he started howling at the moon. I imitated him and he was very proud, he even smiled. Said no matter what happened I would always be a wolf to him.

One day, José and I were walking back home, when he asked me if Leonardo was really my father and I said yes. He told me he was a cat, but his parents are a wolf and a cat. He said that the wolf father is a little indifferent to him and the mother is always fighting

that the father doesn't pay much attention to her.

I replied, "I think your mother confused a wolf with a dog in her choice." — then he even smiled and said a little sadly — Wolves are like that, most are like that. They are more affectionate with their fellows. I even try to play with my dad, but sometimes he's kind of grumpy and other times I'm a little scared of him. He is tall, strong and brave.

There was a time when I saw what I shouldn't have seen — said José — I had come home from school earlier and I see my

father coming out of the room all sweaty and out of breath, with a huge scratch on both sides of his chest down to his belly. When he sees me, he is startled.

Son? What are you doing here? - he asked me.

“I was released early, ” I say.

My mom showed up soon after with her clothes all messed up. Not knowing what to do, my father took 20 reais out of his wallet and told me to go for a walk, and I left at the same time.

I think they were trying to make a little wolf this time — I answer José, and hearing that, he gets all embarrassed and then we burst out laughing. I tell him that wolves don't like cats very much because you scratch them.

How about you? he asks. What species are you?

“I'm a hyena. It's on the face, right?

He is sure? If you really are a hyena, you're a very different one. An example of this is Paulo and Luís, who are also hyenas, but they don't look like you. Other than that you also like those boring songs and dress that way.

“Man, no hyenas look like that, I don't find classical music boring, and I like the way I dress,” I say.

You take after your father in tastes — says José — He seems to be a rather serious and refined guy.

Yes — I tell him — I wanted to be like him, maybe that way he would accept me.

"What about those pictures you said you were going to look for?" Joseph asked.

“I just found some really weird ones, I don't know what my father's father looked like. I'll take some pictures with my cell phone and then I'll show you to see, and you tell me what you think.

“Okay,” says Jose.

Can I ask you a question? says Jose.

“Yes,” I tell him.

“You and Lucas were friends, why did you pull away all of a sudden?

I answer: — I don't know, there was a day when a guy who studied at my school was murdered. That same day, my father was late arriving and Lucas was with me. He decided to stay at home with me until my father arrived and we stayed doing some activities until it was around seven-thirty and he decided to go because his mother must already be worried about him. Then after that day he got weird, he kept avoiding me. There was one time he tried to tell me something, but he looked nervous and looked around like someone was chasing him.

After a while, the school caught fire in the middle of 2017 and classes were suspended for a year. And every time I went to his house, no one answered.

"Yeah, really, that's really weird," said José.

[Time skip]

Lucas moving away from me hurt a lot, it was a painful memory. One of the only people who really cared about me just walked out on me like I was nothing.

I remember my father never being very fond of hyenas. Every time I had a hyena friend he pushed me away from them, he only accepted Lucas and Ryan for not being hyenas.

I started digging through various family albums when no one was around and taking multiple photos of ancestors who were closest to hyenas on the father's side. (The photos I took)

The other day, I show these photos to José and the two hyenas and they are a bit confused. The two hyenas couldn't identify hyenas in the pictures and so could José. They went back and forth in sorting, sometimes they saw hyenas, other times they

saw other species. I don't know how my father found out, but he told me to delete all these photos from my cell phone and started hiding the albums under lock and key.

Every time I ask the family why I'm different, they change the subject or prefer not to talk.