Far Cry | JJK x OC

✔Chapter 43 // Guilt

Jungkook woke up with a groan — it was too hot. He was sweating in his sleep, he could feel it covering his skin, the drops falling down his forehead. He turned to the side and looked quickly around; he was lying on the floor of a big dark room and he could see the sunlight showing through under the door.

That's why it is so hot, he thought, sitting up. He remembered how he trailed the jungle until he got there. He wanted to go to the cliffs, the only place he could feel safe and comforted at that time, but it was too far away, and he was too tired to get there. Then he stumbled across the training grounds. He entered the armory and fell asleep.

But it was too damned hot, the armory was in the clearing and so the sun turned it into an oven. He got up, still not fully awake, and opened the door to let some air in. There were a few guys outside practicing quietly and despite the surprise on their faces by him being there, none batted an eye or asked him anything. Beyond, the trees and bushes were bending with the occasional breeze. It was too quiet, too empty, too different. He felt so utterly alone.

He tried licking his lips and only then realized he was so thirsty, but he had nothing on him. He had just rushed there with nothing but the clothes on him. His things were back at the clinic next to Leah's.

A deep breath escaped his lips and he rubbed his face as he sat down on the nearest cut trunk that acted as such.

He was empty. Yet, that was better than guilty, which was the next emotion in line. It kept grinding him, slowly abrading his willpower. He had overcome some of his limitations right there, on that training field. He had proven to himself that he could do it, he could become better and stronger. He could control his impulses and the direction his life was taking. That had acted like such a boost for him at the time, it had somehow convinced him that he would succeed: he would save the boys and escape with them and Leah.

How could he have been so delusional? How could his winning against Aaden and getting the tatau actually make him prepared to handle everything? The stakes of what needed to be done? The consequences of doing it? The changes he'd have to go through?

That was his biggest fear, and he was fatally correct. He would change, everyone would change, and there was no stopping it. There was no turning the cheek, no ignoring it, no working so hard until it became better. This time, only decisions and consequences were being played on the stage of life. And he was living them.

He was the one that decided. Sure, Leah decided she couldn't let him go alone, but he was the one that decided that he had to go, no matter her state or will. He couldn't blame himself for her coming along, since he tried to stop her, but he could blame himself for not giving up just that one time. For being so obsessed with the idea he had to do something, anything, no matter what it was, without thinking of the consequences.

He was terrible for her, he really was. That realization made his insides twist and stole the air out of his lungs as he leaned on his legs. So many people would text him and tell him daily that he was the light of their lives, a star shining bright in the sky. He always took it all with skepticism, and then with blissed caution. He was happy to cheer up their day or life through music or even by his presence if that helped, by supporting them to express themselves or just enjoy themselves. His life was, indeed, filled with bliss, joy, and purpose. But not now. If he ever thought he was a fraud before, which occurred sometimes, now he felt it in his bones. He didn't shine bright in her life, he didn't make her feel better like he thought he did and like he wanted to.

He was bad for her. He squinted his eyes, with his fingers grabbing his hair by the roots. She finally saw it, she saw that he was selfish, that he didn't put her first. He hurt her, didn't protect her, and made her go through traumatic experiences. Despite everything she gave him, the relief of having her by his side, the comfort of having someone he could trust, of being himself through and through, he hurt her. She could see it now that she had gone that far for someone who only hurt her. No wonder she wanted him out of her life. His disappointment in himself was so intense that he stayed in that position, navigating his anxiety in silence.