LUCENT

29

TAYYIB

Baba.

Nadira.

Baba.

Nadira.

Baba.

Nadira.

I had no other thoughts than those of them. The guilt was crushing me. Even after apologising to Nadira, I couldn't shake off the guilt. I had hurt her. Instead of protecting her and keeping her heart safe, I caused her pain, and I do not think I can ever forgive myself.

As for my father, I would never be able to apologise. I can never seek forgiveness for being the reason he isn't here today. I cannot bring myself to ask my mother and siblings for forgiveness. My actions have caused them all a great deal of grief. I feared how they would look at me and what they would think and say.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him waving to me, getting into the car, and then his lifeless, bloodied body. I couldn't escape it. It was as vivid and melancholic as the day it happened, almost like a fresh memory, but it's been 20 years.

Peaceful sleep has become a distant memory to me. I haven't slept more than 3 hours in a single night for weeks. Without Nadira to hold, I was utterly alone in the darkness. Occasionally, when I'm distracted by work, the pain retreats, but I can still faintly feel it deep inside me. A void that would likely never be filled.

"Kai! Tayyib. Are you listening at all?" Mama asks, tapping my back.

"I'm sorry, Mama", I reply, glancing at my brothers' faces. They all looked concerned like I had suddenly lost a finger.

"Me ya faru?" She asks.

"What happened?"

I shake my head, "nothing."

Sa'ad sighs and moves to the seat beside me. "Come one Tayyib. Please talk to us. We can see it on your face whether you admit it or not. You aren't fine," he says, placing his arm around my shoulders.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I respond.

"If you don't want to speak to us, at least speak to your wife," Yasir suggests.

I stand abruptly. "I'm fine. I just need some exercise," I say.

Mama sighs. "Okay. Don't forget to tell Nadira about the trip," she says. I nod and quickly exit the room.

I leave the main house, get into my car, and drive as fast as possible to the ranch. I park, turn off the car, open the windows and stay in my vehicle. I exhale, my fists still clutching the wheel. I didn't come to ride. I just wanted to be away from the house. I couldn't continue looking at them. Staring at the people I hurt being concerned for me made me sick. I felt dirty.

I throw my head back and stare at the grey interior of my car. I do not know how long I stayed in the ranch, but it had gone dark. I started the car and slowly drove back home. When I entered the house, Nadira was passing through the entryway. She whips her head to me, and her eyes pore over me.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yes," I reply.

"Alright," she says and starts walking up the stairs.