The Rain in Summer (Summer Series #1)

35

"Alam kong sinabi ko na gusto kong tigilan mo na ako... Ayun talaga ang dahilan din kung bakit mas gusto kong umalis ka na lang, Kien. Bukod sa nasaktan ako sa sinasabi mo tungkol sa relasyon natin, alam kong hindi na kasi tama na ako pa ang mahalin mo. I also think that I don't deserve your love, Kien. I know I don't."

I could clearly remember how I accepted the fact that I don't deserve to be loved. Lalo na nung alam kong ayaw sa'kin noon ng pamilya niya. Kahit sarili kong pamilya ay ayaw sa'kin.

"I-I'm sorry..."

Natigilan ako nang makitang tumulo ang luha sa mga mata niya. "I'm really sorry, Keni..."

I smiled when I remembered something that I also realized. "Well, I am also thankful that you continued to reach your dream even without me. We were both broken, but you still made it. I'm..."

Tears start to fall from my eyes as I say the words I wanted so badly to say to him for those years of supporting him from the start until now. I have been keeping my promise, not because I promised him, but because I chose to support him no matter what situation we are in.

"I am... proud of you, Kien."

After saying those words to him, I felt relieved and happy. I am okay now. We both got the conversation we wanted and needed for those years. It feels great. Ah... I really wish I could also have the chance to talk to my family too.

Parang may kung anong humaplos sa'kin nang makita ang pag-iyak ni Kien. I now finally saw how hurt he was inside, how sincere he is, and how good he still is. We remained sitting here at the balcony while enjoying the view together. We are both calm now.

"So, I heard you took Psychology. Why? I thought you were planning to take engineering," he asked.

I shrugged. "After I lost Misha, I almost lost the courage to continue... Then when I graduated, I realized that engineering is not what I wanted. It is not meant for me... I just wanted it to be like Ate Kelisha... But now... I don't want to be like her anymore."

"You don't?"

Tumango ako. "I grew up craving for my parents' love, especially my mother. I also wanted them to be proud of me... I want to be like Ate. I mentioned this to you before. Kasi sa ganong paraan, baka makita rin ako nila Ate na kaya ko rin 'yon... Pero na-realize kong... Hindi naman ako masaya sa gano'n. Then I suddenly want to take Psychology for myself. That's why I chose psychology and child development for college."

"You want to be a child psychologist."

Tumango-tango ako habang nakangiti.

"I always find peace at kids, Kien. Kahit nung nawala si Misha, naging libangan ko na rin noon nung unting-unti na ako bumabalik sa realidad ang pag-aalaga ng bata. Nagba-babysit ako palagi noon para rin magkaroon ako ng sariling pera pa tapos na-realize ko rin na masaya akong makatulong. I found them cute... Palagi kong naaalala si Misha sa kanila. Even if I failed to save her, I still feel like I am taking care of her."

Hindi ko mapigilan mapangiti habang iniisip ko ang pagdedesisyon ko sa kung ano ang balak ko sa buhay ko. Dati, wala akong ibang gusto kundi mahalin at makita ako nila Mama. Wala akong iba na gusto kundi maging katulad ni Ate at maging proud sila sa'kin kaya palagi ako sumusunod sa yapak niya, ngunit ngayon, pumili na ako ng para sa sarili ko at hindi para sa kanila o sa ibang tao. I finally know what I want now.

''Atsaka, feeling ko nabibigyan ko ng pansin ang inner child ko na kulang na kulang talaga sa atensyon noon. I feel like I gave myself the opportunity to help my younger self. It feels like I'm communicating to her... I'm helping my younger me to be okay. This is also why I enjoyed it so much. I really want to continue and be a child psychologist."