The Hidden Darkness

Blank Canvas

I look in the mirror and see nothing.
Sometimes I see a monster,
Other times I see my inner child, asking for help..
She doesn't know that I can't help her; I don't tell her.
But mostly, I see a blank canvas..
It's one that I can't paint.. I'm unable and unwilling to.

And yet, there's a painted smile on my face..
It's unnatural, and only I know that it doesn't fit.
I keep it on though.. a fake smile is better anyway.

I keep it on because it fools everyone around me..
It makes them think that I'm okay.
And I can't explain all of the reasons why I'm not.
They all unknowingly taught me everything I know..

My dad taught me how to keep everything in..
My older brother taught me how to stay silent,
And that my body isn't really mine at all..
My mom taught me how to read a room.. from there, I learned how to adapt to "fit in" it..
My best friend taught me how to lie to myself..
And my dad's family taught me that I don't matter.

I learned how to live with the pain inside..
I taught myself how to exist with the beast I created;
Only because it cannot be tamed..

So when I look in the mirror,
I can see the beast as it rips and claws at the cage it's in.. all it wants is to escape and to destroy everything.
I can see my inner child, she just wants to go home.
She doesn't know that "home" doesn't exist anymore.
I can see a blank canvas.. it's scuffed and scratched,
Because it's been through tragedy after tragedy..

I am the raging beast, but I'm also the lost child..
And my broken soul is the blank canvas
Waiting to be painted with the brightest colors.